r/AmITheAsshole? Asexuality Edition #8

Transcript

Courtney: Hello everyone and welcome back. My name is Courtney. I’m here with my spouse Royce. Together we are the Ace Couple, and we are back for a uh crowd favorite, r/AmITheAsshole Asexuality Edition.

Royce: We’ve been hopping around subreddits for a while. This was the original one we did and the last am I the Asshole episode was just over a year ago.

Courtney: So let’s see what we get into today. I have well over 50 stories that I have not read bookmarked, so we’re gonna select a uh handful of them at random and see where the conversation gets us.

Royce: And hope they’re good.

Courtney: And hope they’re good. Well, the first one I just pulled is kind of interesting. Not because I’ve read it yet, but because I see there is a second update to the post.

Royce: Mm.

Courtney: So I don’t know if it’s a good update, but we’ll see. The post reads, would I be the asshole if I said I hated our plans? So my birthday is coming up and my friends and I were talking about going to the city and hanging out. I understand most of them are still in college with final weeks coming up, so my idea for us to see a show is off the table, which I am fine with.

Courtney: Now in this group, there’s like six of us, three of us have birthdays very close to each other, so we wanted to make it a birthday bash, but celebrate and go out on my actual birthday. I was also the one to suggest the bash.

Courtney: One of the places we talked about was going to the Museum of Sex. Plus going to another museum, as I love museums, and a few other things. The other day, there was a cut to only one museum, and the group decided on the Museum of Sex. The only reason I agreed to the Museum of Sex was because we were going to a museum that I actually like afterwards, as they were far more into it than I was. This group is fairly new to each other and we’re all adults, but also, I am very asexual and very open about it. We all make the occasional sex joke, but I don’t do much sexually and they all know that. I also don’t think I’d really enjoy being surrounded by sex for multiple hours.

Courtney: We’re not getting tickets until the day of. But would I be the asshole if I said I’d rather we didn’t do the sex museum after they were all really excited about it?

Royce: So the first thing I had to do was search for the Museum of Sex.

Courtney: Yeah, where is it? ’Cause I know Iceland has like the Phallological Museum, which, although I have been in Iceland twice, haven’t been there.

Royce: It’s in New York City.

Courtney: Oh, there are so many better museums to go to in New York City.

Royce: Yeah, that’s kind of what I was thinking. It seems goofy, though.

Courtney: What do you mean goofy?

Royce: Like this bounce house of boobs?

Courtney: No, not a boob bounce house.

Royce: I thought I saw one image just kind of scrolling through very quickly of like three taxidermied animals mounting each other?

Courtney: No.

Royce: Like, it— OP can make their own decisions and, you know, agree to go into whatever environment they are or are not comfortable with, but they might be making this out to be worse in their own mind if they haven’t, like, looked at what the museum is.

Courtney: Well, that doesn’t sound like a place I’d have fun in.

Royce: True, true, but it seems goofy.

Courtney: It— but listen, I wish I knew what the conversations were like leading up to this. Like, OP does say, they know I am asexual, I’m open about that.

Royce: Yeah, how did this get selected?

Courtney: And OP says to us, the only reason I agreed to go to this is because we were going to another museum um after. I want to know if that was made clear during the planning phase to them, because if OP just in the back of their head was like, well, yeah, okay, I can handle this, and didn’t raise a concern at the time, then that is like more a communication error than anything. But if OP at any m point was like, that doesn’t really sound like my thing, and it’s like, well, we’ll also go to this other museum, and OP’s like, yeah, well, okay, then one,000% the friends are the asshole for being like, mm, m actually, let’s scrap the museum you wanted to see.

Courtney: But the details just aren’t clear enough about what that conversation was. But the ultimate question is, would I be the asshole if I said I hated our plans?

Courtney: And—

Royce: No.

Courtney: No.

Royce: Just be honest with your friends.

Courtney: So I am curious about what the update is. Because there is an update.

Royce: Oh, this is the one with the update update.

Courtney: Yes. I decided not to go into the city with them at all. I texted one of the friends the other morning how I was feeling, and she seemed understanding and said she didn’t care what we did, but that I should tell them.

Courtney: I tried to say, are we really sure about the museum? And when one of them said, react to the message with a thumbs up if you want to go, I reacted with a sad face instead. I tried to push it off saying it’s going to snow and it’s too much money, but they have just decided to get the tickets anyway last night. So I am going to go to breakfast with them, and after talking to my mom, she and I are going to go see Wicked, which is something I actually want to do. Thank you to those on the original who tried to give me advice on what to do. I think it’s better if I put a short wall between them for now. And I’m very picky on what I say yes to with them. I still feel like for my own personal curiosity and overall understanding of the dynamics of this situation, I still wish I had more details on how much communication there was or was not.

Royce: Mhm.

Courtney: But yeah, if a friend on their birthday, even if it is a shared birthday kind of a situation, is like, I really don’t like this plan actually, I feel like a good group of friends should accommodate. Like, if everyone else really wanted to go to the Museum of Sex, they could another time. And it sounds like OP did at least say, I don’t know, I texted one of the friends how I was feeling.

Courtney: But then the only thing in quotes is I tried to say, quote, are we really sure about the museum? So I, I don’t know. I don’t know how clear OP was or was not here. If OP made it clear, I really, really do not want to do this, I will not have a fun time there, and everyone else said, well, screw you, we want to go anyway, then yeah, I, I think that group would be the asshole. I don’t think in any situation OP is an asshole. OP might be bad at communicating, but we just don’t have enough information to know for sure. However, love that OP is going with their mom to see Wicked, which in the original post was even like, I kind of want to see a show, but they’ve got classes, and so I took that to mean they didn’t want to stay out late.

Courtney: Which I think is the single best, like, life skill people can develop in terms of socializing and friend groups and interpersonal dynamics, is like, if something is not working for you, do something else. Make it work for you. If something wasn’t— because uh OP could have just stayed home on their birthday and wallowed in sadness that they weren’t out with their friends, and instead OP said, you know what, no, I don’t want to do this with this group of people, so I’m going to take my mom and do a thing I actually wanted to do.

Courtney: And that’s great. That is, for a lot of people, a skill that needs to be developed. A lot of people, if plans fall through or if they’re upset about something not turning out, don’t have the ability to course correct or make the best out of a bad situation.

Royce: Yeah, I think there are a lot of things that could be done here, but they all center around further communication. There was a comment where OP mentioned that cost of two museums was even a factor in. I don’t see why, in a split situation like this where it’s multiple people going to celebrate, you know, collective birthdays, where you couldn’t— why you couldn’t say, I’m not feeling this activity, I’ll just meet up with you for the second one. Maybe then the friend group aspect of the situation would feel a little less awkward.

Courtney: Guess leave a comment if you want us to go to the Museum of Sex next time we’re in New York and do an episode about it. No, comments not enough.

Courtney: You need to donate $1,000 to the Food Not Bombs chapter of your choice, and then I will go to the Museum of Sex, or a penis museum, or a vagina museum, whichever one is in my vicinity, next.

Royce: Cool.

Courtney: And I’ll do a thorough podcast review of it. My time can be bought with, um, mutual aid.

Royce: Well, it seems like the original was in New York City. There’s one in Miami, but at least the description of it that I’m seeing is that there is gay and lesbian history, erotica, BDSM, pornography, and sex work. Basically just focuses on subcultures and history and things like that.

Courtney: Well, I love history. History is great.

Courtney: Boob Bounce Castle is not great.

Royce: Yeah, I don’t know why that was the one image or the first image that I came across.

Courtney: You don’t? You really don’t know why?

Courtney: Can’t think of a single reason why that is in the marketing material?

Royce: Okay, this next post I have: Am I the asshole for breaking up with my boyfriend because he asked for a threesome? I, a 19-year-old woman, have been in a relationship with a 21-year-old man for about three months, and we are both each other’s first serious relationship. I view myself on the asexual spectrum and have been very hesitant about sexual experiences, but he is very open about experiments, so we have been experimenting a bit.

Royce: I trust him. However, yesterday he asked me if I would ever be down to try a threesome. He didn’t specify gender or if he knew a person. I assume he just asked in general.

Royce: I froze and then sirens in my head started ringing. I said that I had to leave and he got extremely worried and told me he wasn’t going to force me to do anything I didn’t want to, but my mind was too big of a mess to have a serious talk with him. I’m now thinking about sending him a text. I know that is extremely cowardly and I should probably just tell him in person, but I can scrutinize my words better when I write them down. This is what my issues regarding the threesome are. one, he wants another person in bed. Yeah, I know, jealous and possessive girlfriend and he just wants to try stuff out, but it makes me feel like I’m not enough for him and that hurts.

Royce: I think sex bonds. Sex is love. I do stuff with him because I love— I trust and love him and because it gets us closer.

Royce: Not just because I want an orgasm. A threesome reduced the whole act to lust. Like he wants a one-night stand over a girlfriend. I’ve read somewhere that men think differently of sex and can have it without the emotional involvement, but I think it would kill me if that was also the case for him. I think intimacy is such a treasure and it is so fragile. I was scared of showing my naked body to someone for years, but with him it felt so easy. I’m so okay with being intimate with him and only him, and suddenly he wants another person involved. That makes intimacy not special anymore, not appreciated?

Royce: And that is my biggest point. It kills me that he doesn’t view this in the same way.

Royce: Asking for a threesome is not a reason for a breakup, but the meta-level behind it, the fact that we don’t perceive sex and intimacy and emotional involvement the same, makes me feel like we are not compatible together. I don’t think I can forget about this if we ever get intimate again. I don’t think this can work out anymore, but that would break me because I seriously love this man. I don’t want to leave him, and at the same time I feel like people would think I’m overreacting.

Royce: Am I the asshole?

Courtney: So one interesting just sort of social component of this one is that we have a self-identified ace, presumably her boyfriend is allo, and by her admission the concern is that we do not view sex the same way. And a very Harsh reality that a lot of aces need to grapple with if they are seeking partnership is that one way or another, if you have a mixed orientation relationship, or even if you have a relationship with, you know, an ace who’s on a different part of the spectrum than you are, nearly anyone you have a relationship with will view sex differently than you.

Royce: Yeah, and that’s, that’s especially true when you cross orientation lines, when you’re in a mixed orientation situation, but even in same orientation relationships, that can vary drastically.

Courtney: m yes. Now, do I think OP is an asshole? No.

Courtney: Do I think this needs to be a conversation before it is definitely a breakup? Yeah, probably.

Courtney: Just given the fact that OP is like, I love this person, it would break me if we broke up, I tend to err on the side of if that’s the situation and there aren’t actual like, abuses or neglects or any like, hard dealbreakers or red flags, that conversations are important and worth it and may still result in a breakup, or it might bring you closer together and strengthen your relationship, but you have to have that conversation in order to find that out. I do think that in addition to having a conversation with this partner, OP probably also needs to explore how these views of sex do or do not intersect with their own identity, and also how they may or may not intersect with future relationships. If this one does indeed end.

Courtney: Because of the fact that if you are an ace person dating allos, mixed orientation relationships can work and they can be beautiful, wonderful things, but if the fundamental problem that you personally do not think you can get over is, my partner views sex differently than me, then maybe a mixed orientation relationship is going to be really, really difficult for you. And I’m not saying that that is fundamentally bad or wrong, but that is something that is important to learn and recognize about yourself and unpack, um not only for your own sake, your own mental health when exploring relationships, uh but that of your uh partners and the very relationships themselves.

Royce: Yeah, definitely having a conversation, getting some more context. As far as I’m reading from this post, at this point, she doesn’t have a clear idea of where his head even was, or how much this was a definitive thing he might want to try, and how much of it was just a curiosity of like, where are the boundaries in the relationship? Like, what things are or would not be okay exploring? Going through the post itself, there are a few things that I just want to respond to. In number one, OP says, yeah, I know, jealous and possessive.

Royce: That’s not necessarily a bad thing. I mean, I think a lot of those emotions are part of how a lot of people naturally see relationships. And as long as they aren’t pushed to extremes, like, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

Courtney: Um, that’s gonna be a hot take.

Royce: Because those are— those two words are always correlated with a negative perspective, right? And how could a uh negative word ever be acceptable, you know?

Courtney: Well, honestly, I know some people, even ace people, there are some who would read this post and would be like, girl, get over yourself. Sex is not always this big, holy, special, important thing. It doesn’t always have to be synonymous with romance. And while that is so, so very true, I’m honestly, um, let’s find the least delicate way I can say this. Um, I’m pro-prude. For one’s own sake, ’cause I do think, I do think if you are enforcing prudishness on society or other people, that is bad.

Courtney: But I think there is space in this world for people who do want to, in their own personal lives, hold, uh you know, sex or anything that goes with it to this, like, I do want this to be monogamous, I do want this to be special, I want I want to view it as special and I want my partner to view it as special. I do think that’s allowed.

Courtney: And I do think because of the fact that, you know, branding-wise uh and in policy, we’ve got these like conservative Christian nationalists who are just doing awful things for society and culture and policy. I do fear that the everyday prude gets lumped into them.

Courtney: And, um, it’s like the opposite of slut-shaming. I, I feel like prude-shaming is fully socially allowed on the left right now.

Courtney: And I don’t think that’s cool if it’s just someone on an individual level. Now, just as with all things, with sexuality, with gender, with anything that falls under a widespread cultural norm, I think it is a good and healthy exercise for everyone to sit down and interrogate it and question their own relationship with it. So OP, this person, just like anybody else, I would say, yeah, it would be a great thing if you sat and interrogated this and really sussed out, is this coming internally from me?

Courtney: And this is genuinely how I view this. And I will be happiest with a partner who also views it this same way?

Courtney: Or do you have something to unpack where maybe you have grown up in a very religious, conservative place? I know for me personally, having not grown up in a religious family but being surrounded by religious families, as a young ace person, like young ace teenager, saving myself for marriage was a really convenient excuse. Really convenient excuse.

Courtney: It wasn’t from within me. It was just the most socially acceptable excuse that I knew that I could say.

Courtney: And I know from experience talking to a wide variety of aces, there are a lot of people who do sort of latch on to bits of purity culture because they somewhere, somehow resonate with the lack of sex element of it that is at least in like early stages of relationships or pre-marriage. And so as with all cultural norms, interrogate away.

Courtney: That is a good and healthy thing to do. Once you do that, you might find maybe this doesn’t fit me. Maybe I have picked up something from elsewhere that doesn’t fit anymore.

Courtney: Or maybe you’ll be like, yeah, no, this, this actually is me. And this is what I like. And this is what I want. And I think that is okay.

Royce: Yeah, that’s mostly what I wanted to talk about with this point. And another one is that the rules and boundaries of a relationship for the people in the relationship to decide. It doesn’t really matter if that aligns with what the common status quo societal expectation for a relationship is, or if it’s wildly different, as long as it works for the people present there. And speaking of just social norms and expectations, the other thing that annoys me here is the, I’m thinking about sending him a text, I know that is extremely cowardly. I hate that.

Royce: Yeah, like the pressure to say that like a conversation isn’t a real conversation if you don’t have it in person. All difficult conversations should be had in person. I think given that people already have an established method of communication that is not in person, not in person is a perfectly okay means of talking through difficult things. Sometimes typing things out is easier to articulate well because the stress of the moment can make brains unreliable.

Royce: I get really—

Courtney: Brains are often unreliable.

Royce: I get really um fuzzy in the middle of like interpersonal conflict. And it’s unique to that too.

Royce: Like high stress situations, I tend to be clearheaded. But something about like an argument, I get brain fog. Um I can’t remember verbatim what I said five or 10 minutes ago, and I can’t think very far ahead into the conversation.

Courtney: Does it matter if it’s, this is a tough conversation we need to have, or if what she’s saying is, I’m thinking of texting him to break up? Because I don’t actually remember how clear that was in the post, but she was saying like, maybe I need to break up with him, and there are a good number of people who are like, you shouldn’t break up with someone via text.

Royce: I don’t necessarily agree with that. That’s kind of what I’m getting at, though.

Courtney: Mm.

Royce: M it depends. I don’t think sending the text is inherently bad. I think that if the other person says, I would like to talk about this in person, I think as long as it’s not like, you know, an abusive situation or a dangerous situation, I think that’s fine. But I don’t think there is anything wrong with virtual communication.

Royce: But, uh, OP said, my mind was too big of a mess to have a serious talk with him in the moment she left. I’m now thinking about sending him a text. So I took the impression that, that, that was a, a text communication to talk about this issue. But for comparison, it’s kind of well established, at least in media or sometimes through advice, that if you’re going to walk into a conversation that’s going to be particularly difficult and you think that you might struggle to stay on topic or say what needs to be said, you should write it down first and pull out your written notes to read in person. Mhm and that’s the same thing as sending a text.

Courtney: I think, I think it depends. I think there are too many nuances based on individual people and individual relationships for this, because what you’re describing in your personal situation, like, that’s very much a byproduct of your neurodivergence.

Royce: It is.

Courtney: And so in, in your case, and in the case of others like you, this might, like, legitimately be a type of accommodation in order to have this type of conversation. And I also think there are people who will just use that as an excuse. I think there are people who are like, I am being a coward, and I know I’m being a coward, and I do know this person well enough to know that this is gonna be really upsetting, but I’m just gonna do the cowardly thing anyway. I think a good number of people do also do that. And like, there is maybe a difference between like, this is a new or young relationship, or if it’s a relationship where you do virtually communicate a lot, Mhm. uh, versus like, you’re living together, like they’re living in your house and they’ve got stuff at your house and they randomly just text you out of the blue.

Courtney: Like, there, there’s too many nuances. So I’m not going to give a blanket, like, this is okay. I think there are some situations and nuances in which it, it can be permissible.

Royce: Going back to what I said earlier, the rules and boundaries of a relationship are decided by the people who are in the relationship. So if there are people who are very much about, I need this in-person conversation, yeah, if you have a history of a lot of virtual communication.

Royce: Yeah, it’s a different case there. It’s the societal commentary of this is the way that this must be done that I take issue with. I also think that one thing I’ve never heard anyone else say is that it’s potentially irresponsible to meet out with someone, like, you know, in a public place, and then give them really upsetting news, and then put them back in a car to drive home. while their mind is buzzing with just getting broken up with. Distracted driving’s dangerous.

Courtney: Yeah, distracted driving is dangerous. I will give you that.

Royce: I think that’s about all I had to say. I feel like we got off track.

Royce: I guess I was gonna comment on the— I’ve read somewhere that men think differently of sex.

Courtney: Oh uh yeah.

Royce: That’s not a thing.

Courtney: That, that was another reason why I would encourage OP in the same way I’d encourage everyone else, like, maybe interrogate that. Because that’s not okay to just blanketly, you know, well, one gender is like this, another gender is like that.

Royce: Mhm.

Courtney: Which, I mean, that type of mindset very often goes with these sort of purity culture mindset. So that’s why it’s like, eh. Maybe think about all that. But I mean, at the end of the day, if you think about it all and you unpack it, and at the end of the day you’re like, no, I want sex to be this beautiful, wonderful, important thing, larger than life, has to be very special, reserved for one person, and I want that other person to think the same way as this, good luck. It might be difficult to find another person like that. But hey, I, I um am I am— I’m radically pro-prude on an individual basis. I should get a shirt that says, uh, uh prude. I would, I would wear that. Is it ironic?

Courtney: That’s for you to decide. What did I say?

Royce: Is that gonna be your Pride shirt?

Courtney: No, I— uh you, you misunderstood. This is my prude shirt. What did I say a few weeks ago I needed to try to find at a thrift shop?

Courtney: Oh, uh, virginity rocks. You know those old Virginity Rocks t-shirts?

Royce: That would be a funny shirt to see at Pride if it was like done in the familiar typography of Pride, and maybe it’s just like a desaturated rainbow.

Courtney: No, not the rainbow. It would have to at least be like an ace flag.

Courtney: Yeah, well, uh, I don’t know. Now I’m overthinking this whole thing. I think it would be funny to have a shirt that says prude. I would wear it. Um, I think Virginity Rock shirts are hilarious. Yes, I would wear them. And again, am I wearing it ironically?

Courtney: It’s anyone’s guess.

Royce: So to finish out this post, no assholes here, think about things a little bit and maybe try talking a little more before making a decision.

Courtney: Communication and self-exploration, great practices for everybody in all situations.

Royce: Before we move on, uh there is one line in a comment I want to read.

Courtney: Oh.

Royce: This commenter on the subject of threesomes says, if I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I’d visit my parents.

Courtney: Ha! Put that on a shirt. I don’t know what the title of this one was because it got deleted, but thanks to the auto-moderator, we have text for it.

Courtney: These are two 17-year-old girls. Me and L have known each other for three years and have been friends for two. We are very different people and I don’t always feel comfortable around her. She has admitted that she doesn’t view my asexuality as valid and sees it as a phase. However, I really care about her. We’ve been through difficult times and I’ve always helped her in times of need. I always gave my 100%.

Courtney: A couple of weeks ago, the two of us and our friend went on holiday together and it didn’t really work out. Those two argued often. And L, while drunk, told us not-so-nice things.

Courtney: She recently went on a spiritual trip and has written me a long text message in which she says she’s sorry yet doesn’t take full accountability. I want to believe her, but I’ve been hurt many times. I deeply love her as my friend, but I still want to think about my well-being. Really confused about this spiritual trip.

Courtney: Curious to know more, but, uh, right off the bat, two 17-year-olds, friends for two years, one of them is like, you’re not asexual, it’s just a phase, that’s not valid. That’s not gonna be a good friend long term. That’s not gonna be good. That’s— that is a bad friend. two years can feel like a lot at 17. Uh, the trauma of being a teenager and going through it. Honestly, I think a lot of teenage friendships are trauma bonds. Emotionally very difficult to let go of, but that doesn’t mean it’s not the right choice.

Royce: Okay, so this one is titled, am I the Asshole for not rebuking my Homophobic Grandfather?

Courtney: Hmm.

Royce: OP is a 23-year-old guy. His grandfather is 95 and very conservative. He has been like this ever since I could grasp the concept of sexuality from a young age. Every time anything LGBT shows up during conversation, he always groans or makes snarky remarks under his breath and has zero shame about it, often making his takes known to the whole family during gatherings. My family has tried many times to widen his horizons and attempt to open his mind a little bit, but it’s evidence— it’s evident that he is firm in his beliefs.

Royce: My grandmother— my grandmother has attempted to do this as well, but she’s not as bothered. We think she is just trying not to cause conflict in her marriage in the time they have left together.

Royce: Recently, uh I was having a conversation with some coworkers. We’re all very close, and the topic segued into LGBT and politics. I was kind of half-listening because I’m not political and I don’t have much to add to these convos. For the record, I’m asexual and many of my coworkers are gay/bi.

Royce: At some point, I mentioned my grandfather and his insane takes. One of my coworkers, 19, encouraged me to talk to him more and sway him. Now here’s the problem.

Royce: My grandfather is on his deathbed. uh he is in the hospital hooked up to a ventilator. Can barely talk and is already starting to forget some of the family, including my mother. He has weeks left, maybe a month at most.

Royce: I love my grandfather despite his flaws. I try to visit him every day in the lead-up to the inevitable. My whole life he has been a very funny guy when he’s not being a complete dillhole, and a lot of my humor comes from him and my father.

Royce: I told my coworker this and they doubled down, claiming I need to speak to him sooner. I told them, don’t get me wrong, I would love if my grandpa could put this hate behind him, but at 95 in the state he is in, I just don’t see the point in bringing this topic back up. I’m not even sure he would register the conversation properly.

Royce: As I said, my family has tried in the past and gotten nowhere with him. My coworker tripled down and accused me of being homophobic and not standing up for the LGBT community. Over the past few days, they have been giving me an attitude and spinning the story to other coworkers without the added context of how unwell he is. and that he could pass at any moment. I feel like they are making this situation all about them and aren’t considering my feelings.

Royce: Am I the asshole?

Courtney: No! Uh what?

Courtney: These coworkers need some serious perspective.

Royce: One comment: your 19-year-old coworker doesn’t understand the world or the concepts of aging and deathbeds. This man is essentially a century old and is literally dying.

Courtney: Literally dying, yes.

Royce: And it sounds like everyone around him tried to some extent.

Courtney: Yeah, and the thing is, like, when it comes to bigoted family members, there are so many complex interpersonal family community uh cultural, religious, what have you, like nuances that are going to vary drastically from person to person, and let alone people’s like patience, tolerance for things like that. Like, in my opinion, when it comes to bigoted family members, you can really only have an opinion about your own family.

Royce: Yeah.

Courtney: For the most part. Because, I mean, this is also a queer person talking to other queer people. Like, I guess most of the people who I’m closest to are all queer in a diverse uh array of queerness. But within those people, I know people who have extremely loving and accepting families, and I know people who have extremely bigoted families. And all sides of the, you know, I have completely gone no contact with my entire family, I have cut all of them off um because of how awful they were. I know people who have, you know, made whatever begrudging peace they can with their bigoted family and maybe keep them at arm’s length but still want them in their lives to some extent. And I know people whose bigoted families have done a complete 180 at some point, like, were fully no contact, were completely bigoted, thought the relationship was irredeemable, but then several decades later, after a lot of work and progress and communication, they once again have a fulfilling relationship.

Courtney: So there is no one-size-fits-all approach for how to deal with your particular bigoted family members. And having family members with views so drastically different from you is already going to be just so complicated and difficult. It’s often difficult no matter what decision you make for how to handle that or approach your relationship with them, that you um absolutely do not need to listen to the opinions of people who are not in your family and do not even know that family member and do not know your history with that family member, the good, the bad, and the ugly. They don’t, uh they don’t get to have an opinion.

Courtney: And I would, I would believe the same even if he wasn’t literally on his deathbed. Even if he was still, you know, out walking every day and able to mow his own yard and still had all of his mental, you know, faculties about him.

Courtney: I would still think it is not your 19-year-old coworker’s place to have an opinion. About how you approach that relationship with that particular family member of yours. Sorry, they don’t.

Courtney: And I say this as someone who has completely cut off and gone no contact with uh a bigoted family member. So I absolutely understand that there are some lines that once it’s crossed, that relationship is irredeemable. But it’s nobody’s choice to make that but your own.

Courtney: Am I the asshole for not wanting my sister at our house for Christmas? To start with, I am 32 and live with my mother still to help her with bills and take care of her. My sister is 46. She was basically an adult when I was born. I am the baby of four of us. I love my two other siblings. Both of them are brothers and none of them are close to me in age, but I’ve never felt close to my sister. And if this was just my place, I wouldn’t even be questioning if I’m the asshole, but it’s also both of our mother’s home.

Courtney: Now, for the background. My sister is someone who goes off and on with addictions. She stole my piggy bank for drugs when I was three alongside some things of my father’s and mom’s. She’s stolen money from a lot of people in our family and just thinks we should forgive her because she found religion. Another thing throughout my life, she calls mom, screams, and yells at her until she is crying.

Courtney: And this switch can happen on a dime. It seems like something she needs to go get help with her mental health too. Because she does this to everyone, one moment she can seem nice and then the next she is just horrible. Now for the things that have happened recently to make me just want to cut her out of my life fully. Her stepdad, my mom’s ex between hers and my father, helped her and her husband buy a house on the condition that he got to move in with her.

Courtney: The man has been disabled his entire life basically and has never been able to get around that well. She treated him horribly, like I figured would happen when I heard it was going on. The things that uh she has done to him are throw fits if he makes even the smallest mess in the kitchen when she scrubs it every night. Tells him he’s not allowed in any room but his bedroom. Says no one is allowed to visit him, including my brother, because this is her house. He paid the down payment and the payment for the house every month. Refuses to fix food for him when he came back from bruising his hip and has finally run him out of her house.

Courtney: Then a few months ago was my mom’s birthday. I made a cake and she said no one would eat it and brought cupcakes. And when I was trying to serve it, she basically took the knife away and pushed me out of the kitchen. She also said that she doesn’t understand how I could be asexual without ever having it and started joking about it, making me uncomfortable. And just learning all this and with everything else she has done, I said I don’t want her here for Christmas. I’m tired of feeling uncomfortable in my own home.

Courtney: Am I the asshole?

Royce: Nope. You can kick people out of your own house. Or not let them in.

Courtney: Well, I do get the concern with the added, my mother also lives here, because the OP did say, if this was just my house, I would not be questioning this. If this was just my house, I feel like, yes, I have full stop authority to say you can’t come here.

Courtney: So I, I can at least appreciate OP mentioning why this is more complicated to her. But also like, ew, people who say like, how do you know you’re asexual if you’ve never had sex? You’ve gotta have sex to know, you just haven’t found the right person yet.

Courtney: Like, these are things ace people hear, and they’re things that people need to stop saying. But also because acephobia is like a very legitimate type of bigotry. Very rarely is someone only acephobic and nothing else. It usually comes along with at least a couple other shitty qualities.

Courtney: But yeah, that really sucks, OP, and I hate that, uh, your sister is saying these things to you. Someone in the comments asked an interesting question: where do your mother and brother stand on the question of Christmas with your sister? And one brother decided not to even come because he doesn’t want this drama. The other has not said anything.

Courtney: And then OP goes on to say, it’s my mom, she wants all her kids here. She tries to cut the sister off and just can’t, giving in for a week until she gets upset. And— that’s tough.

Courtney: I, I don’t know what it’s like to be a mother with a problematic child like this, I, I can empathize with the mother’s concerns, but it sounds like you’re not going to have all of your kids there regardless.

Royce: Well, in that comment you were just reading, one of the four children decided not to come because the sister was there, so you’re already in a case where you’re not going to have all of the children present.

Courtney: Yeah, exactly.

Royce: And I, I think the three siblings need to get together and be like, okay, Mom, we’re having an intervention. Our sister sucks.

Royce: Because this isn’t just a problematic child, this is an abusive relationship.

Courtney: Right. It sucks. Uh it’s a very difficult situation. It does logistically make it very difficult that, you know, the mother and OP live in the same house, because like OP herself says, very cut and dry case. If it’s just my house, I can ban you from it. But it is also my mom’s house, and that is also her daughter. You know, how do you weigh that?

Courtney: Like, I, I don’t think one unilaterally has the ability to ban someone from a home if other people live there, but there does need to be some way to come to some kind of understanding or compromise, and I don’t, I don’t know how to do that. Sounds like the mother just needs to come to terms with the fact that you are not going to have all of your kids for Christmas. That is not going to happen. No matter how hard you try. So knowing that is not going to happen, find a way to make other arrangements.

Royce: What’s your next choice? Yeah.

Courtney: If the next choice is, you know, all my other three kids together, and maybe I will go out to dinner with this one daughter that no one wants to see, whatever it be, you don’t get to have it all. So, because yeah, in this case, like, the, the sister is clearly the only actual asshole here. Like, I can’t say that the mother is an asshole. Like, the mother seems to be grieving the loss of a happy family that she envisioned having. And you know, that’s valid, but again, you gotta come to terms with it and find a way to work with what you’ve got.

Courtney: And with the end of that story, I think that’s going to do it for today’s episode. So I would like to leave you all off as per the usual with today’s featured Marketplace vendor, Melanchollyanna.

Courtney: Silly and expressive fandom merch drawn by a nonbinary aroace artist. And these designs are very cute. You can get them in badges, keychains, stickers.

Courtney: Lots of different fandom options depending on what strikes your fancy. We’ve got some Miku art. We’ve got some Sonic art. I actually got a Shadow sticker. that looks just adorable and evil. And it says Sin Points.

Courtney: We’ve also got Gravity Falls, over the Garden Wall, and even some Hazbin Hotel, which, as listeners of this podcast, I’m sure you are aware, it is not our favorite show. But they are badges that match of Husk and Angel, and it says Loser one and Loser two, and that is probably the only song in the entire two seasons of the show that I actually remember and will occasionally play in my head. And if I really had to pick a favorite character, it would probably be Husk. Artwork of all these fandoms and many more at @melancholyanna.

Courtney: So as always, we are gonna put links for you to find today’s featured Marketplace vendor in the show notes on our website as well as the description box if you happen to be listening on YouTube. And as always, thank you all so much for listening, and we will talk to you all next time.