r/AmITheAsshole? Asexuality Edition #5

Transcript Transcribed by Hannah E.

Courtney: Hello, everyone, and welcome back. My name is Courtney. I am here with my spouse, Royce. And together, we are The Ace Couple. And we are here for another round of judgment. That’s right, it is everybody’s favorite — well, I don’t know about everybody’s favorite, it is at least three people’s favorite — R/AmITheAsshole, Asexual edition.

Courtney: And we’re starting off strong with a, “Would I be the asshole if I went on a cruise with a man who wasn’t my boyfriend? For context, I (34, female) just recently started dating my boyfriend, Gus (37, male), a month ago. The relationship is amazing. We’ve known each other for a while now. We were introduced to each other by a mutual friend. I have a friend Mike (38, male) who I tried dating before. We realized we wouldn’t work out as a couple. He’s lonely and has no other real friends that share the same interests. So he often invites me to do things with him I would otherwise never experience.

Courtney: “Here’s where the problem starts. During FanFest in Vegas this year, he took me to a restaurant that had been on my bucket list. As I thanked him, I mentioned this fact, so he asked me about the other stuff on my bucket list. I mentioned how I’ve always wanted to go on a cruise to another country. I also tell him how I was supposed to go on one to Mexico for my 30th with my mother, but her cruise before that was during a hurricane and she has since swore off cruises. He offered to take me on a Mexico cruise, mentioning how he’s been wanting to go on a cruise but didn’t want to go alone. He said he would pay for my cruise ticket and anything I want to do on the cruise. I just have to buy my plane ticket to and from his state. Which, side note, is in the complete opposite end of the country (California to Florida). I agreed.

Courtney: “Now, Mike and I have talked before I started dating Gus. He purchased a single two-bed cabin. So we won’t be in the same bed, but we would be sharing a room. I’m sure I’ve mentioned to Gus the cruise before we started dating, but it was only in passing. I do plan to talk to Gus no matter what the results are. I believe in open and honest communication in relationships. If it turns out I would be the asshole, I will let Gus know that I’m canceling the trip, and Mike will figure out how to reimburse him the ticket price. Gus has always been kind and understanding man, but I want to be prepared for the talk when it happens. So, would I be the asshole for going on a cruise with Mike when I’m dating Gus?”

Courtney: Now, the results were pretty split, so the OP added some edits after some of the responses started coming in. Edit 1 is, “I feel I need to clarify something. Both men have never and will never expect me to do intimate things. They are both well aware I am Asexual and don’t partake in those types of activities.”

Courtney: Edit 2: “I honestly wasn’t going to update, but my best friend kept telling me I should. The night after I posted this and got the feedback, I did reach out to both parties: Mike to cancel the cruise and Gus to tell him about everything. Gus was baffled that everyone’s reactions and said I should have never gone on Reddit.”

Courtney: So, I’m pretty baffled because, yeah, going down into the comments, there’s someone who says “You wouldn’t be the asshole, but also don’t be surprised if you don’t have Gus when you come back. If I had a girlfriend, regardless of how long she’s been my girlfriend, and she wanted to go on a cruise with a guy she had dated before, she would no longer be my girlfriend.” And that’s the most generous one of the first few top. Because we have, “You’re the asshole and basically a sugar baby to Mike.” Also, “Literally, you are the worst type of person. The fact you even have to ask is very telling. Do the guy a favor and dump him before you waste any more of his time.” “You’re an asshole and you’re fully aware of it.” I’m baffled by these responses. Are you as baffled as I am?

Royce: I just got to the comment that says, “You’re the asshole and it’s not even by a small margin. You shouldn’t be dating anyone until you fix yourself.” The comment section doesn’t surprise me, because, I mean, some of them are saying overtly that they think Mike is still into OP and this is just, like, a long game to try to get back together. One comment was like, “If you say yes, he’s going to book one bed in that room, absolutely.”

Courtney: But the thing is, if that’s the case — if, and we don’t know — Mike is the asshole here.

Royce: Yeah.

Courtney: Not OP.

Royce: Yeah. And that’s the thing. Given the situation, we don’t… OP doesn’t mention how long they’ve known each other or what the nature of their friendship is like. Sometimes you just have a really outgoing person in your social circle who has enough money to go do a lot of extravagant things.

Courtney: Right. And, like, yeah, if this is someone who doesn’t like traveling alone and he has the money to spare to pay for an entire extra ticket, that doesn’t seem like an issue to me.

Royce: The post doesn’t mention how… Maybe it does. Maybe I’m missing it. The timeline here. OP and Gus have only been dating for a month.

Courtney: And they were planning this trip before that relationship started.

Royce: That’s what I was trying to figure out. I didn’t see exactly the time. I guess, during FanFest this year, that started the bucket list conversation. So if it was — if this cruise was in planning before the relationship started, it wouldn’t make sense to cancel, because that was a plan with a friend before, you know, before any of this even started up.

Courtney: Yeah. And I just… I don’t… Okay, so here’s a question for you: does the fact that she is Asexual actually change the ruling or not? Because I don’t think it does.

Royce: It shouldn’t matter. OP, being Asexual, should be an added bit of information to help the person she’s in a relationship talk down their jealousy or insecurity.

Courtney: Mhm.

Royce: But straight people who dated previously, who just don’t have that kind of relationship, could also be in this scenario and they could, you know, just not violate the bounds of their relationship.

Courtney: Right. I’m so disappointed in all of these [laughing] Reddit commenters, to be honest. I’m so disappointed.

Royce: But, yeah, I mentioned that I wasn’t surprised that this is how people feel, because… I think this memory came to mind the last time we were recording one of these episodes. It wasn’t relevant enough to mention. But I remember being in high school and being at my first job, and there were a few people in my grade who were working at the same place. And a girl, at one time, that was in my grade mentioned going to hang out with a guy who was a friend of hers while she was also in a relationship. And someone several years older — I don’t know how much older they were — who was also just working there just kind of offhanded said something like, “You’ll go to another guy’s house to spend time alone when you’re in a relationship? Like, things have changed since I was a teenager, apparently.”

Courtney: Yeah, that’s so weird to me. That is so bizarre. Because the implication that anyone thinks that OP is the asshole is sort of an implication that anyone or everyone will cheat on their partner if presented with the opportunity, or that she’s intending to cheat or might cheat without telling people. Like, you’re coming from a place of distrust on behalf of the other party in this relationship whom you do not know.

Royce: Sort of. It’s that, and the other side of that was saying that the only reason Mike would be doing this is if he was interested in OP, and so that’s like saying a straight guy can’t be friends with a woman.

Courtney: Right. But that’s also, again, How is OP the asshole?

Royce: Yeah.

Courtney: Like, if Mike is here saying, “We are just friends, and I’m happy with that, and I’m comfortable with that, and part of our friendship involves going on trips together,” like, are we saying OP’s the asshole because she trusts her friend? Are you kidding me?

Courtney: This is just… This is making me mad. Because I actually… I have been on trips with friends before. More often than not, especially as of the last 10 years, I travel alone. But I have been on trips with friends before. And I have even shared a bed with friends before. And some of the time that has been when I have been in a monogamous romantic relationship with someone else. And the only time that was an issue was because the person I was dating was convinced that this guy I went on a trip with had ulterior motives and actually did have romantic feelings for me and was just playing the long game and waiting for his turn, waiting for us to break up. And I was so angry at that person I was dating. Because I had actually — like, enough people told me that that’s what they suspected from this situation that I had had, like, conversations with this person, and I was told to my face that there were no ulterior motives, so I trusted that.

Courtney: But somehow, I ended up becoming the bad guy because I trusted people. And I don’t like that, because I prefer to trust people until proven otherwise. And maybe that makes me incredibly naive, because it — bad example, in this particular situation — that guy did have ulterior motives. But nothing happened that trip or that weekend or that night. It was totally business as usual, friendship situation. So, I don’t know, I just hate the weirdness around assuming distrust from everyone.

Courtney: And, like, “Oh, a guy and a girl can’t be friends,” which is such a weird thing. Because I’ve also been on trips with, like, gay guy friends of mine and that’s never been the issue because they’re gay. But if that’s the case, why do people give the pass for, like, “Oh, well, that person’s known to be gay”? Why don’t people give the pass when it’s like, “Oh, this person is known to be Asexual,” [laughing] you know? So, I don’t know. Should we say No Assholes Here, with an asterisk of, if Gus has ulterior motives, he would be The Asshole?

Royce: Mike.

Courtney: Mike, yes. Did I say the wrong guy involved?

Royce: Yeah, I think so, with possibly a second asterisk for Gus as well.

Courtney: Well, and here’s the thing. I didn’t read it verbatim, but OP did make another update, and it sounds like Gus was fine with it and was also surprised at everyone else’s reaction. So, it sounds like Gus responded well.

Royce: Yeah, it sounds like this entire group of people was surprised by the hostility from Reddit, because that’s why the second edit was posted in the first place.

Courtney: Yeah. So I’m going to say No Assholes Here, with a little teeny-tiny asterisk for Mike. But we can’t — we don’t know Mike’s heart. We can’t prove that he’s trying to play the long game. If he is, he should cut it out. If not, I fully believe that friends can go on trips together and stay in the same room in different beds.

Royce: So the one I pulled up: “Am I the asshole for telling my mom I don’t want to hear about her sex life?”

Courtney: Oh?

Royce: “This happened three days ago. I (a 16-year-old woman) was in the car with my mom (a 50-year-old woman), and she noticed I was off. (I had a really big fight with a friend last week, and she knew about it and it’s been on my mind a lot lately.) So I told her I was just thinking about the falling-out. She tried to change the subject to dieting and food, and I told her I didn’t want to hear it and turned away. There were a few yells, but I was just ready to be home and go to my room. And then, out of the blue, she yells, ‘I had sex last night!’”

Courtney: As any normal mother would.

Royce: Yeah.

[Courtney laughs]

Royce: Way to read the car. “I’m Asexual, and she’s known this for years. She’s not exactly supportive, and said it makes her sad to think I’ll never, quote, ‘experience love sexually’” — OP is not Aromantic — but the point is, she knows they are uncomfortable with the topic of sex. “So hearing something that made me uncomfortable just brought my emotions over the top, so I started to call my other parent and opened the car door because I just wanted to be away from her. My mom locked the doors, and made me hang up the call. When we got home, she said she was just trying to lighten the mood. I said she did the opposite.

Royce: “Later that night, she demanded I come talk to her in her room. I told her that I don’t want to hear anything about her sex life. I went a step further to say if she was planning on having her new partner over, I’d like a heads-up to be able to spend the night at a friend’s house. She then went on a rant about how I’ve now made her uncomfortable to be sexual in her own home.

Royce: “So now, it’s just been really awkward between us. I’m supposed to meet her new partner, but I don’t feel comfortable with that, with my mom telling me details about her intimate life. When I told her this, she went back on that rant about how she should be allowed to be an adult in her own home and I need to grow up. I’m tempted to talk about this to my therapist, but my mom got mad when I said I would. Things have just been really tense. So, am I the asshole?”

Courtney: Uh, no, talk to your therapist about that. You don’t need your mom’s permission to talk to your therapist about anything.

Royce: I think that’s standard part of patient/therapist confidentiality: you don’t need your mom’s permission.

Courtney: Yeah, I feel like, given the fact that OP says, “She has known that I’m Asexual for years and is not supportive and it makes her sad that I’ll never experience love sexually,” I feel like that wasn’t even just an accident or not thinking or genuinely thinking to lighten the mood. I feel like the Asexuality probably is a reason for that. And that’s, of course, only speculation, but I have absolutely heard comments like that from people — like, “I’m just so sad for you. You’ll never experience…” Although the worst — oh my gosh, fellow Aces listening to this, have any of you heard the good old-fashioned, “I am just so sad that you’ll never experience the pleasures of the flesh”? So, like, I don’t know, there’s a few things happening here. It’s weird to tell your Asexual 16-year-old daughter that you had sex last night.

Royce: A lot of the commenters were like, “I’m not Asexual and I wouldn’t want to hear this from my mom either.”

Courtney: Most people wouldn’t, I assume. I mean, I have observed some people that have, like, such a close relationship with their mom that they do literally talk about everything, sex lives included. But if you don’t have that kind of relationship, you don’t have that kind of relationship, and you don’t need to have that kind of relationship. If that’s not what you want, if that’s not a topic you want to be on the table, it shouldn’t have to be. But I’m also on the daughter’s side when it comes to… Like, she’s not telling her mom she can’t have sex. She’s saying, “I don’t want to be in the house if you’re going to be having sex,” and I think that is super fair. I think that is very reasonable.

Royce: Yeah. I think OP is just trying to establish the boundaries that they want in their relationship with their mother, and their mother is, like, using her child as a captive audience to talk about whatever she wants.

Courtney: Well, the mother is also pulling the, “In my own home!” Like, “In my own house and while you’re under my roof!” but a very weird version of that. Because, like, honestly, does this mom want her 16-year-old daughter being in the house and hearing her have sex with a new partner who is not even OP’s parent? Like, honestly, isn’t that ideal? Like, wouldn’t, theoretically, the parent of a teenager who’s, like, getting out there and dating again — wouldn’t it be so great to actually have a kid who is just like, “Fine, do whatever, I’ll just stay at my friend’s house whenever you want to have sex.” Isn’t that actually kind of ideal?

Royce: Yeah. Coordinating schedules.

Courtney: That seems like it would kind of be ideal, actually. Like, does she want her daughter hearing them have sex? If she does, that sounds like [laughing] conversion therapy. Exposure therapy.

Royce: I feel like I’ve heard a lot of parents say — normally with younger kids — that finding time to have sex becomes, like, a puzzle in and of itself.

Courtney: Yeah, well, how often do you see in, like, sitcoms and things, like, “Oh, the kids are out of the house!”

Royce: Yeah. “We have —”

Courtney: “Oh, let’s jump into the bed.”

Royce: “We have a brief window here.”

Courtney: Right! And, yeah, I feel like, no matter what the age — especially if it’s something like a 16-year-old who, if they hear sounds, is going to know exactly what is going on — I feel like you need to be respectful of people you’re living with. And I’ve been told on occasion that I’m even too conservative, I guess, when it comes to roommates — like, college roommates or early 20s roommates. Like, I feel like if you’re living with someone and you have an active sex life, you need to be mindful of the people you’re living with. I really do.

Royce: Have we talked about that at all on here? Or has it just been in the background? Because, like, it’s not just sex. When you’re sharing space with someone, noise is a concern, regardless of what you’re doing.

Courtney: Mhm. I’m sure it’s come up, at least offhanded, a couple of times, but I don’t think we’ve made it a focus topic.

Royce: Yeah. Where I landed on that is that some people view sex as this special thing that should be protected in all aspects and can’t ever be argued against. But, like, if your roommate has a habit of blaring their speakers at 2:00 in the morning three times a week, it’s gonna be a problem.

Courtney: Mhm.

Royce: [laughing] It’s the noise issue, not the activity.

Courtney: Yeah. And I’ve been shocked sometimes reading Reddit stories where it’s like, even if you are going to have sex with other people in the house, wouldn’t you think people would at least try to be quiet? I’ve read stories and I’ve heard anecdotes from friends who have lived with other people where it’s like, oh, no, there is, like, screaming and howling happening during intercourse, and it is loud, and it’s like, why wouldn’t you at least try to not do that? I guess, I don’t know, but I struggle to believe that people genuinely are physically incapable [laughing] of controlling themselves in that situation. So, yeah, this time the comments are with us, but I think, very safe Not The Asshole.

Courtney: [bangs gavel]

Courtney: Alright, this one is, “Am I the asshole for lying about my sexuality? I (female) have been living in my apartment for a few months now and have become good friends with my roommate (also female). We are both part of the LGBTQ community, me being pansexual and her being bisexual.

Courtney: “Here’s where I messed up. Growing up, I have always had issues with my body and feeling ugly due to being bullied into thinking I was too fat. As I got older, I knew I was too embarrassed of myself to show my body to anybody, let alone have a sexual experience with anyone. I then started telling people I was Asexual so they wouldn’t ask me about things like sex and so I wouldn’t have to tell people why I never planned to have sex.

Courtney: “Fast forward to two weeks ago when I ended up having my first sexual experience. I was talking to my roommate and I brought it up, and she got a weird look on her face. She asked me about how I was Asexual, and I ended up telling her the real reason I never wanted to talk about sex and how I viewed myself. She blew up at me and told me I was ‘two-faced for tricking her into thinking I’m Asexual.’ Then, she stormed off and left the apartment. (For context, she, the roommate, is not Asexual). When she reacted like that, I was shocked and confused, but I can’t help but wonder if I did something wrong. So, am I the asshole?”

Courtney: The comments are a little bit split, but mostly land on Not The Asshole.

Royce: Yeah, I don’t really understand why OP’s roommate reacted in the way that they did.

Courtney: It seems a little bit strong. I’m almost inclined to say Everyone Sucks Here. Like, a soft Everyone Sucks Here. Just because, I mean…

Royce: I mean, there is a lie present here. There is taking, you know, an identity that isn’t yours.

Courtney: And lying. And we have had stories where people would say, like, “Would I be the asshole if I lie about it?” But I think the context does matter. Because, in the past, when we’ve said not the asshole for someone saying they’re Asexual, it’s been in presumed issues of safety, like, “I don’t want my parents to know I’m gay because I know they won’t be okay with that.” And I care so much more about safety, especially when someone might have bigoted parents and should be removed from that situation before coming out. So there is nuance here, because this is… You lied because of an insecurity and a lack of desire to talk about sex and sexual situations when you could have. It would have been a perfectly valid thing to say, like, “I don’t like to talk about sex with friends,” or “I don’t like to…” You know, even “I don’t kiss and tell.” Like, [laughing] people say that, right?

Royce: That’s what I was thinking, too. I feel like, in this case, “I’m not comfortable talking about that stuff” is an answer that a friend group should respect —

Courtney: Yeah.

Royce: — without prying, that still grants OP their privacy.

Courtney: Right. So, OP did lie for a reason that I think is wrong, but still sympathetic. Like, there is a lie, and I think you can take responsibility and own up to that to the friend, maybe accompanied with an apology. But also, if you shared the full story that you just shared with us, and literally, to your roommate, said, “Well, the reason why I said I was Asexual is actually because I have this insecurity, because I have been bullied for so many years,” then I feel like the appropriate response might be, like, mild annoyance at best, but also, like, make sure your friend’s okay. [laughs] So, I don’t know, does Everyone Sucks Here sound about right to you? What are you thinking here?

Royce: Probably on a bit of a technicality. I think that I feel a bit more sympathetic to OP than the roommate, I guess is what I’m trying to get at.

Courtney: The roommate — it seems like an overreaction, but…

Royce: I mean, I get being angry about being lied to. It’s just, a personal detail is, like, not really something that affects you. It’s like — like, if someone wasn’t out yet and they said that they were straight, even if they knew that they weren’t straight at the point that they met you, and then, significantly later, they told you that they, whatever their actual identity was. That is also a lie, if you knew it earlier on.

Courtney: Yeah, but lying about being the societal norm, I think, is different —

Royce: It is, yeah.

Courtney: — than lying about a different queer identity that comes with their own set of societal issues.

Royce: Right. But the… I guess what I’m trying to get at is, the way you describe your own identity doesn’t affect other people. So I don’t see why… I don’t understand the OP is “two-faced for tricking their roommate into thinking that they are Asexual.” Like, why was that so offensive?

Courtney: I mean it’s hard to know what’s going on with roommate’s life. Like, if roommate isn’t Asexual, is roommate in community with other Asexual people? Like, there is such a thing as knowing, like, “Hey, I do have Ace friends and I know the actual issues they face. So it seems really shitty of you to just put on that label because it seemed convenient for you.” Like, those are things we don’t know.

Courtney: But there is also a vibe that feels weird about, like, “I’ve been bullied into thinking I was too fat. I have body issues. I feel ugly. And so I started telling people I’m Asexual.” Because that is actually a thing that Asexual people get bullied for sometimes, whether or not they’re fat or whether or not they are societally deemed unattractive. Like, there are people who will, as soon as they find out — usually, people who want to, like, court you sexually — and you’ll be like, “Oh, I’m Asexual,” then they’ll be like, “Yeah, well, you’re fat and ugly anyway!” [laughs] Like, that is a thing that has happened to me so many times and has happened to a lot of other Aces I know so many times.

Courtney: And then the nuances of actually being someone who is Asexual and fat. Because there are people who will do, like, media analyses. I saw some Tweets around the time that, like, Season 2 of Heartstopper came out where people were like, “Isaac is bad fat representation in the media because they made the fat character Asexual, and that’s a negative stereotype because fat people have sex, too.” And that just had me going, “Oh, no.” Let’s please not do the thing that the disability community has been doing, where it’s like, “Disabled people also have sex! And it’s a negative stereotype to say that disabled people are Asexual,” even though some of us very much are. Because there actually are fat Aces, too, and they also deserve representation. And I don’t think having a genuinely nuanced portrayal of an Asexual character who is also fat is the same thing as intentionally leaving out any sort of sexuality from a fat character for, like, the butt of the joke. Like, you know, they’re the punchline in this otherwise very sexualized piece of media, you know?

Courtney: So, yeah, I don’t know what was going through roommate’s mind, but is roommate also thinking something like, “You know, you’re kind of reinforcing negative stereotypes by trying to protect yourself by putting on this label that isn’t yours”? I don’t know. I think, regardless of whatever frustration there might be, or whatever other Aces they might be in community with, I do think that that is a big reaction. Like, if someone said this to my face, I would be, in the back of my head, thinking through all these things, and we’d maybe have a more nuanced conversation, like, later down the line — like, “Let’s put a pin in that [laughs] and we can talk about that together later.” But, like, in this moment, I’d be like, I don’t know, I guess appealing to the “I was bullied and I have body image issues” thing. Because if you care about someone, like, you tend to their feelings first, and you make sure they’re okay first, and then you gently encourage them to do better.

Royce: Yeah, that’s what I was thinking — was, were I in this situation, someone that I was close to opening up to deep-seated insecurities would have been the focus of the conversation.

Courtney: Mhm.

Royce: But tying this back to the first post we read, a significant percentage of the commenters are wondering if roommate was actually into OPa and that’s why they blew up, and, like, that had never been communicated. Which, who knows. That just seems to be a common theme amongst the Redditors.

Courtney: That’s one of those things where it’s like, yeah, we are more heavily going to weight roommate being the asshole if that is the case.

Royce: But we have no way of knowing.

Courtney: But we have no way of knowing. [laughs] So I don’t know. Like, soft Everyone Sucks Here, slightly more weighted at roommate? Does that sound right?

Royce: That seems fine to me.

Courtney: All right, I’m swinging the gavel, so it shall be declared.

Courtney: [bangs gavel]

Royce: This next one is titled, “Am I the asshole for calling out my mother and sister for their bad relationships? I (a 17-year-old male) and my mom (37-year-old female) have many arguments about different things, going from LGBTQ matters to small things around the house. Two things that I should note is that I am a trans man in the closet because she is highly homophobic, and I have not gotten a chance to talk about it to my straight boyfriend. The other note is that my mother has been in two failed marriages, with the second one’s divorce still happening in court at this time. Both guys were highly toxic and not good to be around, although they were nice before marriage.

Royce: “My sister (15) has a similar relationship problem. In the last two months, she has had over five different guys with very toxic behaviors.” That’s a bad streak in two months.

Courtney: That is a bad streak.

Royce: “I’ve been trying to help her with these, quote, ‘problems’ since I’ve been in a two-year (going on three-year) relationship with no issues. Please know I am not trying to push anything on her but trying to give her tips and red flags to look out for so she doesn’t end up hurt. She does know about my gender and sexuality but promised not to say anything until I have a chance. The other day, I was in an argument with my mother about some unrelated matters, until she called me…” OP says it’s something similar to, but not identical to, a “Pathetic lonely F-slur.”

Courtney: Oh!

Royce: That came out of nowhere. “Know that I am Biromantic (and Asexual), but since I’m in the closet, I do not actively show it. I do dress in a tomboy style, but that’s the closest I’ve been to outwardly showing my sexuality and gender. I’m not sure what made me snap, but I ended up calling her out for her failed marriages and how she couldn’t say anything about my relationship due to that. At this point, my sister walked into the room. And I think it might have been because my brain processed her telling my mother about my place in the LGBTQ community, or probably that she was taking my mom’s side about relationships, so I accidently ended up calling her out too. I’m usually passive and hate getting into arguments (despite the many that I’ve been in with my mom), and just snapping at them like that felt really unfair. I probably should have just left the room, but something about being called pathetic and lonely along with the slur kinda just made me snap. It’s been about a few days after this, and things are still tense. I’ve mainly been stepping out of the house a lot more to avoid anything, although I think I should at least try and make things better. So, am I the asshole in this situation?”

Courtney: What was specifically said to the sister? That’s what I want to know.

Royce: That passage was very short. It sounds like OP called them both out on their series of bad relationships, given the context.

Courtney: I feel like lashing out at the mother gets a pass. The sister kind of seems like an innocent bystander.

Royce: I think that is what OP is trying to figure out. Because they say that in the moment, they connected some dots — perhaps correctly, perhaps incorrectly — that that outburst from their mom came because their sister outed them.

Courtney: But that wasn’t confirmed in this post.

Royce: It was not.

Courtney: Okay. Hmm.

Royce: Given the slur used. That’s where they thought that had come from, because their mother wouldn’t have had a confirmation of that being the case.

Courtney: I don’t know. I mean, if someone’s bigoted enough, like, dressing like a tomboy can be enough to get that word out.

Royce: It could, yes.

Courtney: So, what are the comments saying? Because I feel like… If the question is, like, “Am I the asshole for lashing out at both of them?”

Royce: There aren’t a lot of comments on here. There are actually only three.

Courtney: Oh!

Royce: I wonder if some things got deleted, because this has the tag that I had to look up during the last episode —

Courtney: Mmm.

Royce: — where “POO Mode” was activated, which I think I read was from too many comments coming in too quickly that were potentially negative, but I don’t know for sure. Because I think the story that I saw that on also didn’t have very many comments. So, I can’t tell how that is triggered or if some things are moderated. I guess, usually, you see… I guess, if there are comments deleted, I should see “Deleted comment,” right?

Courtney: I would think so?

Royce: But the comments are: One of them says, basically, “Keep your head down until you can move out.” One of them says —

Courtney: I mean, that’s probably good advice, removed from this particular situation, given that mom.

Royce: Yeah. I mean, even taking this most recent conflict aside.

Courtney: Right.

Royce: One says that, “You should have left your sister out of it,” which, without further confirmation, I think so. That’s probably a different conversation to have.

Courtney: That’s where I’m leaning, based on what’s been presented to us.

Royce: And the third one was calling out a smaller comment in this whole story, which I guess is… Well, I was about to say I’m not sure if this is explicitly confirmed, because it wasn’t really the point of the story, but the third comment calls OP out for being in a relationship with a straight guy for two, going on three, years now and not being out to them about their identity.

Courtney: Uhhh… Uhhh…

Royce: But also, straight is the only identifier for boyfriend, and it is not stated whether or not they know anything about that, so that commenter may be reaching.

Courtney: Mmm. Yeah, that could be a reach. That’s also… Yeah, I’m just gonna throw that one out. We’re not gonna… [laughs]

Royce: Yeah, I agree with that there. At least from what they’re saying, their relationship is going great, so.

Courtney: Yeah, let’s let them have that great relationship. That’s a whole other can of worms. I think, yeah, based on what this sounds like, OP’s Not The Asshole for lashing out at mom in that situation. It kind of does sound like sister might have just been an innocent bystander, and that is — like, that is a soft You’re The Asshole for that. But here’s a question for you, actually: Is your answer on the ruling asshole or not — would it change if we knew for sure whether or not sister did out OP?

Royce: Uh, I think that definitely makes her a less sympathetic character. I’m having trouble piecing together exactly what these conversations were. Because it says… OP says, “I ended up calling my mother out on her failed marriages, so she couldn’t say anything about my relationship.” So that must have been the topic of conversation, was relationships.

Courtney: Hmm.

Royce: I was going to say, like, with her just walking into the room like that, was it relevant or did there again need to be a separate conversation about coming out and, like, those boundaries?

Courtney: Right. Yeah. Yeah, it sounds like mom, definitely The Asshole. Sister is The Asshole if she did out OP.

Royce: Are we just giving out asterisks today? I don’t have an issue with OP snapping, giving the context.

Courtney: Not at the mom. But did OP need to bring the sister into it?

Royce: Yeah. But still, I feel like, in a tense situation like that, accidents can happen, and if you were wrong, you apologize about them later and try to clear things up.

Courtney: Mhm. Yeah. Maybe that’s the problem. We’re on a subreddit called Am I The Asshole, when maybe we should be on a subreddit called Should I Apologize? [laughs] It’s like, should you apologize to your sister? Yeah, probably. Are you an asshole? Eh. Mom is definitely an asshole. So, yeah, I think let’s leave it at that. The mom is an asshole.

Courtney: [bangs gavel]

Courtney: “Am I the asshole for getting kicked out of a college friend group?” Wow, what a question. I feel like the real question is, “Am I the asshole for doing whatever I did to get me kicked out of said friend group?”

Royce: Yeah, using the word “kicked” is a particular choice of words. Like, [laughing] “Am I in the wrong for being forcibly removed from a social situation?” Probably.

Courtney: Probably! I mean, there’s always a chance that the friend group are assholes, but something [laughing] prompted this separation. So let’s read and find out, shall we? “I recently got into college and hanging out with friends a few weeks ago. I saw that they had a Discord friend group on the campus that I was in, so I joined it. I talked to many of the guys and gals there and meet with them in the lobbies or cafeteria. I remember that it was very early on a Thursday morning at 1:00 when I got a really threatening message from my friend Paul, and he said that I was fucking annoying, an asshole, and wanted to kick me out. I looked in the server, and I was timed for 24 hours without a clear warning of what I did.

Courtney: “When I got in touch with the admins, they said that I was very mean and rude because of my offensive behavior and sarcasm in person. I’m definitely going to take fault on sarcasm because I do that to joke around with people and my friends seems to like it, and the part about offensive jokes is that I only said one joke about Asexuals, because the topic was lonely Reddit users online. Hailey told me that she is Asexual, but I made sure to apologize for it and reassure that I wasn’t trying to make anyone uncomfortable. Isa told me about my simple sarcastic remarks on the Discord, and I cleared it up to make sure that it wasn’t taken the wrong way. Gary wouldn’t fully tell me what I did wrong, and I will never know why, but said to fix my behavior.

Courtney: “There’s was a very targeted Google Forum posted in that Discord against me that pretty much wanted me to get out. I can only say that three people hate me because of what I did, and I will never know what I did wrong to trigger this. I just wanted to make friends in college and not want any drama. Am I the asshole?”

Courtney: It’s amazing to simultaneously say, “They told me I made an offensive joke about Asexuals, and I did do that, but I will never know what I did wrong to trigger this.” What was the joke? What did you say? Because the thing is, OP here is saying, “Oh, when someone in the group told me that she’s Asexual, I apologized.” But how bad was it? How bigoted was it? Also, apologizing does not mean you’re entitled to forgiveness, especially if this is a pattern of behavior where a lot of people are uncomfortable around you.

Royce: This is a situation where being able to read bits of the confirmation verbatim would confirm a lot.

Courtney: Yeah.

Royce: Because, on one hand, I think with a more generous reading, you can say that this was a new person walking into an established group of people, who made an offensive joke, and the people present there — some of the people present there, at least — didn’t feel comfortable with this new person coming in, as a result, and wanted them removed. A less generous reading of this would be to look at the, quote, “jokes and sarcasm” as just aggressive or offensive comments that OP doesn’t want to take responsibility for. You can look at the apologies and explanations as “I’m sorry your feelings got hurt,” that sort of thing.

Courtney: “It’s just a joke.”

Royce: Yeah. There seems like there’s a decent chance that OP doesn’t get it — like, doesn’t understand why the things that they said might have been as bad as they may have been. But again, having them make this post, not seeing other people recount what they saw happening or not being able to read the words, it’s kind of hard to say, like, what area this falls under. I think OP is The Asshole either way. It’s just like, how bad was it?

Courtney: How bad was it? Yeah, definitely The Asshole. Because, yeah, if you make an offensive joke about Asexuals… Like, honestly, good on the mods for timing OP out for 24 hours on that. Like, I know there are plenty of communities that would totally let that slide. And I also have known plenty of assholes in my life that will say horrible, offensive things or just generally be unpleasant to be around, and if anyone calls them out, they’re like, “Oh, it’s just my sense of humor. You just don’t get it. It’s just a joke. Why are you so offended?”

Royce: Going into the comments, OP seems to be hung up on what they call a targeted Google Forum posted against them. But there were quite a few typos in this post. Do you think this was, like, a vote?

Courtney: Were they having a meeting to decide, “Do we actually kick him off the server?”

Royce: Yeah. Was this a forum or a form that everyone used to anonymously decide whether or not to vote him out of the server?

Courtney: Yeah. It could be a form — like, survey-style. Or, if it was forum, like, is it a Google Meet? Like, they’re getting on a Zoom to actually talk about this? I don’t know.

Royce: It seems like something that was posted, but I’m not sure. But this seems like standard code of conduct for the server. “If someone comes in and breaks the rules, how do we resolve that?” That’s what this activity sounded like.

Courtney: Mhm.

Royce: And OP seems to be taking it as a personal attack, and, I think, was hoping that Reddit would say that this Discord group were The Assholes by that. Because there are a lot of very heavily downvoted comments of theirs.

Courtney: Well, someone also asked for info, which I think is interesting, because I also — I’m just so curious. Like, give us exactly what you said. Give us screenshots. If this is a Discord, tell us verbatim what the comments were. But someone asked for info and said, “What really important details are you leaving out? Mild dislike can come from various reasons, but,” et cetera, et cetera. “Seething hatred has a specific cause. You did something or said something that was taken very, very badly, and you’re not being clear about what that was.”

Courtney: And OP did not give any more specifics. Like, this is such a vague response. OP said, “I don’t fully know why they hate me, because I’m not talking to them since I cut off contact, but based on what I heard, they played truth or dare and decided I was the most annoying person.” Which, there’s still a detail even within that that’s wrong. Like, I still don’t know why truth or dare has anything to do with deciding he’s the most annoying person. But, “I think they have misunderstood my humor and took it as a bad gesture. Explaining it to them didn’t work out well, since I guess they were too stubborn to listen.” So, again, blaming them for being too stubborn to listen. Were they listening, and you actually are just being an asshole, but you’re doing the thing where you’re like, “It’s just a joke, it’s just my sense of humor”?

Royce: Yeah. Was OP being too stubborn to listen to why what they did was wrong?

Courtney: Yeah. And way to not actually give more specific info when asked for it.

Royce: That’s the thing. If you’re coming into something like Am I The Asshole and are wanting community feedback, OP is coming in saying, “I don’t know why this happened. I don’t know why they dislike me.” If you wanted an answer, you could have posted — even if you didn’t have access to the server, you could have typed some of it out from memory —

Courtney: Mhm.

Royce: — and said, “People of Reddit, do you think this conversation was bad?”

Courtney: Right. So OP is The Asshole. And I feel like, deep down in OP’s heart of hearts, OP probably knows that, but is in some sort of deep denial so doesn’t want to say too much so as to give the clear, like, receipts. [laughs] Like, “I don’t want the real confirmation from people. I want plausible deniability.” Because even though these commenters did deem OP to be the asshole, I could see, theoretically, someone like this being like, “Well, they don’t actually know what went down. They don’t actually know.” It’s like, yeah, because you didn’t tell them!

Courtney: And OP did also, in the comments, bring up the Google Form. And one says Google Form but two say Google Forum, so we still don’t know. [laughs] Google Form makes the most sense because that’s a branded thing. Like, everyone knows what a Google Form is.

Courtney: But the top comment says, “They are clearly telling you they don’t want to be friends with you. If they don’t want to be friends with you, that is their choice, not yours. They do not want you included because they do not like you. That is not them being assholes. They just don’t like you. You are not the asshole because some people don’t like you. You are the asshole for trying to continue to force yourself into the friend group after they’ve said they don’t want you.” Which, I disagree. I mean, no one in the comments is like, “You’re the asshole for making an offensive joke about Asexuals,” which OP admitted to — I assume only because OP assumes that the people reading this are also not going to think that’s that big of a deal.

Courtney: But OP’s biggest thing is, “I think you misread it, bro. So they are not the assholes for the targeted Google Form? Makes total sense.” So I think the biggest hangup is this Google Form. And in a follow-up comment, OP says, “Oh, I was only getting hate from three to four out of 50 people for something I can’t fully understand. It’s a conflict between those guys and I for something unnecessary, in my point of view.” I mean, if you’re talking about the offensive joke about Asexuals and you’re still saying it’s unnecessary, yeah, you’re The Asshole. I’m swinging my gavel.

Courtney: [bangs gavel]

Royce: Okay. And for the last one we’ll cover today, “Would I be the asshole if I asked my friend if she’s actually Asexual?”

Courtney: Oh, most certainly, but let’s hear the details.

Royce: “Now, before I start this post, this is not about acephobia and believing it’s not real. I have other friends who are Ace, and I fully support them. I don’t want to see any phobic replies. Sorry if my grammar is bad. English isn’t my mother tongue and I’m dyslexic.”

Courtney: Oh my gosh, imagine the irony if OP said something acephobic after that preface.

Royce: [laughs] “Actual situation: I (a 21-year-old woman) have a friend (a 25-year-old woman) who identifies as Asexual. At first, I was like, ‘Okay, cool, you do you.’ But now that I’ve listened to her for, like, a year, I’m starting to doubt that.”

Courtney: [groans]

Royce: “Why, you may ask? She often talks about wanting to do the nasty. She often looks at not safe for work anime content and often talks about how nice it’d be to have a girlfriend to do things with. But then she goes and complains how no one would date her anyway, so she’s okay with just 2D content, and how she’s too shy to talk to real girls anyway, so she’s just not going to, that she has no interest in 3D women.”

Courtney: [laughs] That’s funny.

Royce: “She dated a woman in the past who really messed her up, leaving her to say she never wants to date again. Would I be the asshole if I asked her if she’s really Ace? What if I recommended she looks into therapy first —”

Courtney: Oh no!

Royce: “— before coming up with a conclusion. Would it be shitty?”

Courtney: Yes!

Royce: “Why would I be an asshole? Invalidating someone’s sexuality is an asshole move. I’ve experienced it before. I just think this might be a valid time to do it.”

Courtney: Oh my god.

Royce: “TLDR: My friend says she’s Asexual but keeps talking about want to do the deed, then focusing on her insecurities. I’m questioning if she’s really just insecure instead of Asexual. Sensitive subject, so I don’t know if I’d be the asshole if I talked to her about it.”

Courtney: Oh my god, yes, you would be the asshole. Now, let’s get really into the nuance here for a second. Because I don’t know how close these two are as friends, but for the sake of my point of view on this, let’s just say they are, like, really close friends, and they do talk about things like relationships and sex and interest. There are times and places and ways that you can ask your friend of another identity than you to try to explain things that you don’t necessarily understand from their point of view. If OP is here saying, like, “This isn’t what my frame of reference was for Asexuality,” and they’re close enough friends that this topic is on the table — which is something that you’ve got to gauge on an individual basis. Like, you can’t just ask a random person you just met that you know to be Ace, like, “Explain yourself!” But if they’re close and this is a reasonable conversation for their friendship to have, you can say, “The way you engage with themes of sex is different from other Ace friends of mine. Can you help me understand? Like, what does this mean to you? Where does this fit on the spectrum?” If you are coming from a place of actually wanting to simultaneously understand your friend better and learn more about the Asexual spectrum, then that would be okay.

Courtney: But OP is coming at this from the wrong direction. That will make you an asshole 10 out of 10 times. Where you are saying, “I don’t think she’s actually Asexual, so I want to recommend she looks into therapy.” Absolutely not. Never is that okay.

Courtney: Also, also, also, so, someone in the comments made a really funny comment: “Info: how is it any of your business?” [laughs] OP’s response here is actually acephobic, though. “Just worried in case it’s actually about her past trauma and insecurity based on how she talks. She’s my close friend so I do care about her a lot.” The thing is, OP, there are some people who are Ace because of past trauma. And if that’s something you don’t know yet, that is something you need to learn and understand. I still don’t know if that’s your friend’s situation or not, but just as a general rule of thumb, that is okay.

Courtney: I can’t necessarily begrudge someone for, at a certain point in their life, at a certain point in being in community with Aces, for thinking that that can’t be the case, because there has been such a big push in the past — which I do consider to be very ableist — where Aces have tried to distance from any kind of trauma, any kind of mental illness, any kind of physical illness, because of how deeply medicalized and pathologized our orientation is. So many Aces tried to go the good old-fashioned, like, “Born this way” route, where they say, “I was born Ace. I’ve always been Ace. I will always be Ace, because this is just how we’re born.” But that leaves out a lot of complexities of sexual orientation in general: that it can be fluid, it can change over time — for some people at least. Some people are born one way and stay that way their entire life. But that’s not everybody’s journey. That’s not everybody’s story.

Courtney: And, like, let’s just never, ever, ever tell someone who’s identifying as Asexual that they should, quote, “Look into therapy first before coming up with a conclusion.” That is severely acephobic.

Royce: Yeah. It’s kind of telling that OP has known that their friend who, by their own admission in the comments, they are very close with, has some past trauma from a relationship, but didn’t suggest potentially talking to a therapist until it was about their orientation.

Courtney: Until it was, “I don’t think you’re Asexual.” Yeah.

Royce: Because going to a therapist to try to work through some sort of trauma is generally advised. But bringing the orientation into it is where it becomes conversion therapy, essentially.

Courtney: Yeah. I think OP, without any self-awareness of this fact, has some hangups about Asexuality. Whether it’s a really, really, really deep-seated nugget of still thinking that it is the weird orientation — like, there are absolutely people that, you know, fully accept gay or bi people because “at least they’re attracted to someone, but those Aces, that’s pretty weird and might be a medical issue.” And then there are the people that are like, “Let’s rule out, it’s a medical issue. And then we’ll say it’s valid.” That is an acephobic hangup that people have, whether or not they understand that.

Courtney: But at the very least, OP just probably doesn’t understand the complexities of the Ace spectrum and the vast diversity that we have in our community. Like, I am fully prepared to go to bat for any Ace who’s like, “I do think I’m Ace because of trauma.” I am an Ace who has experienced trauma, and I don’t think that my sexuality is because of the trauma, but at the end of the day it doesn’t matter, because I am Ace. This is how I exist.

Royce: Going back to the comment you mentioned that was asking, “How is this any of your business,” one thing we see often enough in some of these posts — and I think this is something that happens pretty often both with Asexuality and bisexuality — is invasive friends or family members wanting the people around them to prove themselves to fit into whatever comfortable little box explaining their orientation that they have in their heads.

Courtney: Mhm.

Royce: And this is a case where OP at least understands the side of the Ace spectrum that some other friends are in, but not this side.

Courtney: Yeah.

Royce: Not this area of the spectrum. And is wanting their friend to put themselves in a section of identity that OP feels more comfortable with.

Courtney: Right. Because if we look at the things that OP said about their friend and presented us with, none of this precludes them from being on the Ace spectrum. It’s not where I am on the Ace spectrum. It sounds like probably the other people OP knows who are Ace are probably closer to where I identify, where we don’t have attraction, we don’t like watching [stumbling on words] not sex for — not sex for work — not safe for work contact — content. My god! [laughs] Get it together, Courtney. Or, like, not wanting to engage in sexual activity at all.

Courtney: But what OP said — let’s break it down here. So, here are the reasons she’s starting to doubt. “My friend talks about wanting to have sex.” I’m not going to say the phrase that OP used here. Here’s a weird thing about me, and I don’t know if our audience has started noticing this or not: I can’t handle, like, slang around sex and sexual things. I don’t know why, but every single bit of slang just is so much ickier to me than using, like, [laughing] the clinical versions for it.

Royce: I paused for a moment on that one too. That’s just not how I talk.

Courtney: No. [laughs] But there are Aces who do want to have sex. There are Aces who are more complicated than that, who might have a really strong libido but still don’t necessarily want to have sex. And so I have known Aces who will just like, gripe about, like, “Oh, I want to have sex, but I don’t!” Like, “I want to sate this high libido that I have without necessarily literally wanting to have sex with someone.” That’s one nuance. Some people do enjoy partnered sex. They just might not necessarily have an attraction toward any in particular person. So that doesn’t preclude this friend from being on a certain side of the spectrum.

Courtney: Looking at not safe for work anime content. There are some Aces who do actually like the plot of not safe for work content. There are Aces who only like to engage with sex and sexuality through fictional media and through theoretical scenarios.

Courtney: Complaining about how no one would date her anyway. That’s a really common concern for Aces to have in general, thinking that they aren’t going to be worthy partners to someone who’s presumably going to be allosexual, just based on numbers.

Courtney: And then “She has no interest in 3D women” I think is hilarious. Like, friend could theoretically be Aegosexual or any number of microlabels where it’s like, “I enjoy engaging with this not safe for work anime content, but I don’t want to literally have sex with another person, but I have a high libido.” That’s one example of what an Asexual could look like with all of these identifiers and still be Asexual.

Courtney: So whether or not that’s this friend’s situation doesn’t really matter, because at the end of the day, OP doesn’t know the nuances of the spectrum and would 1000% be The Asshole for asking, “Are you really Ace? Maybe you should go to therapy.”

Royce: Interesting note: this post is labeled “Not enough info,” but basically every single comment says, “You would be the asshole,” so I don’t know how that happened.

Courtney: I don’t know. I don’t know enough about Reddit, like, because this was a year ago. So if people, like, delete their accounts, does it delete their comments, maybe? Like, old accounts or burner accounts? I don’t know. Or is it maybe based on likes? Because the one “Info: how is it any of your business?” did get a lot of upvotes. [laughs] So… even though that’s a sarcastic and not a literal asking for more info.

Courtney: At the end of the day, like… And even this line: “Invalidating someone’s sexuality is an asshole move. I’ve experienced it before. I just think this might be a valid time to do it.” OP, whether you realize it or not, I think the fact that Asexuality is the orientation in question is a big part of your reason for thinking it’s okay and valid to do it now. Because, like I said, if you don’t understand how this friend feels this way and still identifies as Asexual, if you are really, really good friends with her and you really do care about her, don’t come at it from a place of trying to fix her. That’s what you’re doing right now. You’re saying, “I think this might be trauma. Let’s fix that.” Come at it from a place of trying to understand her better. Try to deepen your understanding of how she thinks and why she identifies the way she does. If you came at it from a genuine place of curiosity, then, if you are close enough, this is a conversation you can have, but not if your motive is to convince her she’s not Asexual. Your motive should be to understand more about your friend and Asexuality. So, absolutely do not have that conversation until you can reach that place. But I think you have some growing to do. Yes, you would be The Asshole.

Courtney: [bangs gavel]

Courtney: And with that final swing of a gavel, that will bring us to this week’s featured MarketplACE vendor for Aro and Ace small business owners. Listeners, do you like trains? Then look no further than Loco-Station. Asexual-owned railroad, nature, travel photography prints, original designs, and more, printed on top-quality merch, such as clothes, drinkware, stationery, stickers, pins, and more. I will admit I have never been a train person, but I do know train people. Nevertheless, I still could not pass up the Ace pride train stickers. There’s an outline of a train painted like the Asexual pride flag, and then another sticker that just says “Pride” with the Asexual pride flag. I like it very much. But they’ve also got other pride flags. They’ve got the rainbow flag, they’ve got the trans, bi, pan flags, you name it. Shirts that say such things as “Causing confusion and delay,” or “It’s a Thomas thing.”

Royce: Okay, so they do get into some Thomas the Train Engine things.

Courtney: There is a little bit. There’s also a fun Pokemon crossover. We’ve got a steam engine train against a Pokeball that says, “Trainers and trains. Gotta catch ’em all.”

Royce: I was going to say, I don’t think I was particularly a train person either, but I think I just grew up in the right time period amongst the right people that I have a box of old Thomas the Train Engine, like, metal toys from way back when that my mom held on to.

Courtney: Yeah! I remember that, because she’s like, “Oh, we’ve got all your Thomas trains,” as if you were going to be, like, really, really nostalgic for them, but I don’t think you were.

Royce: No. I mostly just… I remembered having some. I don’t remember, like, what play would have been like with these, because I tended to play with legos and video games and things. But I also… There was a friend of the family — like, honorary uncle type person — who had a big train set up at their house. And I do know that I was gifted, like, a small electric train track set that I would piece together and run the trains on periodically.

Courtney: Mhm.

Royce: But that was about it for trains, for me. And, again, just building a train track was something to do.

Courtney: More about having a thing to put together and assemble than the train itself for you.

Royce: Yeah. It was a construction thing. Because there were also, like, car tracks and things. If you could set something up properly so that you’d have enough speed to actually do a loop-de-loop properly without the car just flying off and falling under something, you know?

Courtney: A loop-de-loop, you say?

Royce: Loop-de-loop.

Courtney: Loop-de-loop!

Royce: But yeah, with the train tracks it was an achievement if you got something that the trains would go around full speed without falling over and you didn’t shock yourself very many times in the process.

Courtney: It sounds like a good day in my book. But, yeah, this is such a cute little shop. I couldn’t resist the train Ace Pride sticker. I have amassed quite a collection of Ace Pride stickers at this point. It’s ridiculous. I dedicated an entire box to my Ace Pride stickers, so.

Royce: You’ve been accumulating them for a little while now.

Courtney: But the problem is I have such strong sticker anxiety. I get stickers and don’t stick them on anything. I know some people that just willy-nilly, like, “Oh, let me put my stickers on my laptop. Let me put stickers on my notebooks.” To me, it’s like, no, I can’t put this sticker somewhere, because then what if I stick it wrong? What if I ruin the sticker? What if I ruin the thing I’m putting the sticker on? What if I really like this sticker and then I have to get a new laptop and then the sticker’s just gone? It’s a problem. So I have a box of stickers, and I use them as things like bookmarks and… [laughs]

Royce: You could leave the backing on the sticker and use a little bit of, like, two-sided tape to stick it on something.

Courtney: Absolutely not! I’m not putting two sided tape stickers on, like, my laptop or… No. Mm-mm.

Royce: But then you could pull it off.

Courtney: I mean in th-... No. No. That is just asking for the sticker to get ruined. That’s like, I’m going to put this in my tote bag and the sticker’s just going to get, like, bent, and… No, we’re not doing that. We’re keeping our stickers nice in their little sticker box. [laughs]

Courtney: But, yeah, there are both graphic designs of trains and also actual photography of trains here. There’s also, as I said, nature photography. So if you’re not a big train person, there are, like, flowers and beaches. Check them out! As always, the link to our featured MarketplACE vendor is going to be in the show notes, and I hope you will support them, because they are not assholes. [laughs]