r/AmITheAsshole? Asexuality Edition #7

Transcript Transcribed by Laura M.

Courtney: Hello everyone and welcome back. My name is Courtney. I am here as always with my spouse Royce and together we are The Ace Couple. And it has recently come to my attention that although we have delved into other subreddits, we have not actually done an r/AmItheAsshole yet in this, the year 2025. So I say it is long overdue. And it is time for judgment. Our first entry today is called: “AITA for Expecting My Friend to Know I’m Not a Plant?” [chuckles] And I already know exactly where this is going. Someone came out as asexual and someone was like, “So you’re a plant?” That happens, actually, for realsies, in real life. Bet you anything this is where this is going. But let’s find out.

Courtney: [reading] “For starters, I want to preface that I’m aware not everyone knows the intricacies of asexuality and all that goes with it, so that isn’t what I’m frustrated about. I am asexual and I’ve known this for a few years. Most of my friends who I am quite close with are aware of this, but I haven’t told all that many people. This tends to be more from a ‘I just don’t want to bring it up and make the conversation awkward’, but if it’s brought up by someone else, I have no problem talking about it. So a few days ago, I was speaking to my friend, who is, as far as I’m aware, a straight, allosexual, cis male with very limited exposure to queerness in real life, as we both attended a fairly conservative Catholic all-boys school, although our sex-ed class did include a brief mention of various sexualities, including asexuality.”

Courtney: Uh, pause. That’s fascinating. I know almost no one who had asexuality talked about in their sex-ed class, and especially not the people I know who went to Catholic school. That’s fascinating. And OP didn’t put how old he is. Normally when people introduce themselves in the situation, they’ll say - like - age and gender. So I don’t know, but I assume younger than us, right? Has to be.

Royce: I would assume so. I would be shocked if there was really anywhere in the world that was talking about this that long ago.

Courtney: Right. Truly. So that’s fascinating. But that aside, let’s continue. [reading] “We were discussing his dating profile on an app when he asked if I had the app. I said no, and that I wasn’t interested in dating at the moment. When he asked why, I told him that I’m asexual. He gave me a confused and concerned look for about 10 seconds in silence, and then asked me, with an unreasonable amount of sincerity, ‘Like, you’re a plant?’ I was honestly taken aback by this response and thought maybe he was joking, so I replied laughing, ‘Do I look like a fucking plant?’ I’m an Aussie, so casual swearing is very common. He looked really upset with me and stopped speaking for a bit, and then made an excuse to leave. Later, he texted me saying that he thought I was rude to him, because he shouldn’t expect me to know all this - quote - ‘weird stuff’, and that I - quote - ‘ruined an important moment for him’. I don’t really understand that second message, to be honest. I’m completely of the mindset that coming out to someone means I will have to explain some aspects of asexuality to him, but am I the asshole for thinking that asking if I’m a plant was a stupid question?”

Courtney: So before we give our judgment for context, the ruling on Reddit here was No Assholes Here, so they do not think OP nor his friend are an asshole in this scenario. And I think I’m gonna lightly disagree with that. Lightly. I think the friend here did cross over into lightly-assholish territory, not because of the asking, “Are you a plant?” Which, I think, would be reasonable for an ace person to be frustrated if they got that. But I think there was a way to come back from that. I don’t think asking like you’re a plant inherently is 100% of the time gonna make you the asshole. What I think made him the asshole was saying he shouldn’t be expected to know all this weird stuff.

Royce: Yeah.

Courtney: And leaving and throwing a fit about it. Because it also sounds like OP didn’t even expect him to know, quote, “all this weird stuff”. And after the laughing and saying, “Do I look like a fucking plant?” That could have been a moment for empathy and understanding. OP’s friend could have said, you know, “What does that mean, then? I’m sorry, I don’t– I’m not familiar with this. Can you explain?” If there had been a follow-up question and a discussion about it, it sounds like OP would have been totally satisfied with that outcome. But instead it sounds like this guy just got really defensive and there’s absolutely a layer, maybe a thin one, but there’s definitely some amount of a layer of acephobia with “I shouldn’t be expected to know all this weird stuff.” Like, ehh… Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

Royce: There were a couple of comments that called out that same thing, that that was really what was wrong with his interaction. I mean, this is clearly a bit of fragility going on there, you know, getting called out on something. But some of the commenters– And I think the reason why the overall vote was no a-holes here was a number of commenters, I think, were getting caught up on word choice during the whole dialogue. Like, was one person being excessively rude or something like that. Could they have phrased things better? And there were some back and forth there that I don’t think is really relevant or important.

Courtney: Well, the thing is, like, a lot of commenters saying no assholes here are just saying like, “Oh, well, you know, a lot of people’s first association with the word asexual is in a biology class. So it’s very normal that’s his first association.” But you gotta take the full context. And if someone then leaves very quickly, doesn’t ask follow-up questions, has no actual curiosity about this, and instead just says, “I don’t know all this weird stuff.” That’s queerphobic. That is– I again implore anybody commenting on anything asexual to substitute any other sexuality there. If someone said, “I’m not on this app because I’m gay,” admittedly most people know what gay means in this day and age, but if someone then was like, “Well, I don’t know anything about all that weird stuff.” Everyone would be like, “Oh my gosh, that’s so homophobic! You can’t say that.” And so I do think some of the people commenting who are really just like, “Oh yeah, biology class, asexual, that makes sense, that’s not his fault,” aren’t actually considering, internally, asexuality to be queerness in their response. But a couple of people are trying to make the assertion that asking “Like you’re a plant?” Is actually him asking the question, and that it’s OP’s fault for not understanding that that’s how he was asking what that is. And OP should have just explained it at that point. But no, I don’t think so.

Royce: Yeah, I don’t buy that either. I did see a comment that was like, if the friend actually meant that it would have been phrased more like, “Do you mean like a plant?” Not, “Are you a plant?”

Courtney: [laughs] Yeah, and you know, that is something that it could have been a funny moment down the line. Like, across the board, you shouldn’t ask an asexual person if they’re a plant. That is poor form. But if people are close enough friends, and if someone’s actually trying to understand, that could be like a funny story they’re telling in 5-10 years. Like, “Yeah, when I came out as asexual to him, he asked me if I was a plant.” You know, now he understands, look how far he’s come. Because it’s really– there are very respectful ways to ask what asexuality is, and there are respectful ways to take in that information and try to form understanding. In fact, you and I literally right last night were having a conversation with a new person in our life. He is elderly. He’s familiar with gay culture as a straight man himself. But when we said, “Oh, we’re asexual,” he just said, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what that means.”

Courtney: And we explained it in the very simplest, quickest terms we could, just a sentence or two. Very simple 101. And he just nodded very understandingly and said, “Okay, I understand. That makes sense, continue with your story.” And it really can be that simple. And assuming these people are very young, if they went to a conservative Catholic school that still mentioned asexuality in sex education, like, “I shouldn’t be expected to know all this weird stuff” actually sounds like such a boomer thing to say. Like it sounds like a straight cis allo old person. Like the curmudgeonly conservative variety. That’s what you’d expect to hear this from. In fact, I’m pretty sure we’ve read previous Am I The Asshole things where people are like, this was how my parents responded or my grandparent responded when I came out as asexual. So yeah, I don’t think there’s any excuse for the second half of that. So, not the asshole. Final answer.

Royce: Okay, so I have one here titled: “Am I the asshole for crossing a boundary I didn’t know existed? I’d like to preface with: I, a 32-year-old woman, have never been very good at flirting,” which is something that seems to be common enough in the Ace Community, I think, as people self-represent often.

Courtney: Oh yeah, I have very little concept of what flirting is. Oh, we should do a whole episode about flirting, because I had a conversation with a friend recently, and I’m pretty sure what they were describing is not flirting.

Royce: It’s– Is it wrong?

Courtney: I’m pretty sure it is not. And I’m like, I am the worst gauge of what is and is not flirting, and yet I’m confident that is not flirting. So I need to release it to the world and see what all our lovely listeners think.

Royce: [reading] “I don’t always know what to say or what not to say and me being demisexual,” which OP describes here in her own words as: “a form of asexuality, I literally can’t feel sexual attraction unless I have a deep emotional and spiritual connection with a partner. I don’t actively flirt since too many guys are after the one thing I can do without. At my side job, my coworker, 32-year-old man, and I went Christmas shopping together to get ideas for a present for his daughter. I thought he was an interesting guy, we talked about this and that, personal stuff. Asked about my previous breakup, etc. I didn’t like-like him at first until I got to know him more and see where this went. He was flirtatious and said my knees were cute. I was in jeans.”

Courtney: Cute knees?

Royce: That’s something I can’t really comprehend.

Courtney: Is that flirting? [laughs]

Royce: [reading] “On the phone the next night, there’s playful banter and teasing on both sides. He asked what I was doing and I said that I was relaxing on my bed wiggling my toes. He said I had cute little feet, and he had pointed that out when he saw my shoes, and how he didn’t like his, quote, ‘hobbit feet’.” And he said the only way that she’d see them is that if the two of them went to the beach together or something. [reading] “Here’s where I may be the asshole. Thinking this was just playful flirting, I teased him saying that I’d show him my feet if he showed me his. So I took a picture of them while laying down and sent it to him. I thought this was no issue. I’ve had friends send me random pictures of their manicures or pedicures. One got a tattoo on her foot, another sent me a photo of a huge mosquito bite on her stomach, so naturally I didn’t think anything of it. When he saw the picture, the call dropped and I couldn’t call him back.”

Courtney: For free? For free you send feet pics? [chuckles] That’s the one thing the internet has taught me is that you don’t give feed pics for free!

Royce: [reading] “For the record, I don’t have a foot thing, I don’t have a thing of any kind. I thought we were just goofing. He avoided me at work and I still had his Christmas present. I left a note inside apologizing if I did or said anything that upset him, that I still wanted him to have his present, and left the present at his locker. A close friend I work with informed me the guy thought my photo was a red flag and bailed. That really hurt. If I knew that was a line for him or just a no-go, I wish he told me up front so I could apologize and move past it. He knows I hate when people don’t tell me when I do something wrong and either wait too long to tell me or just don’t tell me at all. My ex of almost five years had a terrible habit of doing this. It’s one of the many reasons we broke up and this person knows that. I’m really bummed because this is the first guy I liked since my breakup and I don’t fall for guys easily. It’s difficult for me because of my sexuality. I feel things or don’t feel things differently. He knows I’m not looking for a sexual relationship so I’m not sure if he thought that was implied by the picture. If he was looking for that, he wouldn’t be dodging me. I’m an understanding person and like to hear both sides of conflicts before making a decision, but for now I’ll just leave him be and if he wants to talk, I’ll listen and go from there. So am I the asshole?”

Courtney: No, not an asshole. Just a bad business woman. [laughs]

Royce: Yeah, the ghosting is weird. Going completely, like, non-communicative after having some form of established relationship is weird. The avoidance, it–

Courtney: I will never understand that.

Royce: Use your words people.

Courtney: Yes, I will never understand that. Even if he’s like, “I’m done, I’m out.” Maybe he got this ick of which I have heard so much. But it’s his right to end things if he truly thinks this is an unforgivable act to get. Maybe his issue is that she sent it for free. Maybe he’s also like, “I can’t have a future with this person because I don’t trust their financial responsibility if they’re giving away feet pics for free.”

Royce: You’re going all in on that, aren’t you?

Courtney: But if he has decided this, that’s fine, he’s allowed to do that. I think he should communicate. Yeah, if anything, truly, for OP’s sake, if there is anything that is a true red flag in this, it is that pure ghosting and failure to communicate. Like, kinda sounds like she maybe dodged a bullet here. Because if someone is that bad with communication, conflict, ghosting, you probably don’t actually have much of a future for a healthy relationship with this person. It does suck to not have an actual conversation about what happened, but that is how some people are, unfortunately.

Courtney: This next one asks: “Am I the asshole for talking to my single friend about my relationship even though it makes her uncomfortable? Okay, so me and my best friend, both 21-year-old women, have been friends for four years and have been single together for three and a half years. She’s had next to no suitors that don’t make her uncomfortable. For some reason, the idea of being in a relationship with anyone is inconceivable to her, and she can’t get past talking to an individual because she lacks social skills. Verbatim what she said to me. And she’s sex-repulsed, asexual, probably a lesbian. I’m in a heterosexual relationship with my boyfriend, 32-year-old man, and have been together since March of this year. It happened very quickly. And when I announced it to her, the second it came out of my mouth, I could see it affected her negatively, but she said she was happy for me.”

Courtney: [reading] “For months, I would talk about him freely, and her mood would very obviously shift. Our two other friends are in a relationship together, and when the four of us hang out, sometimes we get to talking about our relationships, similarities, funny stories, stuff like that. We all know to keep things PG, because we know how she feels about sex and we respect that boundary. We never crossed that line, but because she can’t add something to a three-minute conversation, she gets so upset and goes completely silent and moody until we make the conversation about her. I got so tired of it, so I brought it up in a private conversation between just the two of us, and she said it’s literally because she can’t relate, and it’s selfish of me to talk about anything boyfriend or relationship related.”

Courtney: [reading] “I love her to death, but I love my boyfriend too. I love talking about what makes me happy. Today in a group chat with her, my two friends in a relationship and another friend who is also in a relationship were having a very short text thread about gifts for the holidays for our partners and how excited we were. And she said, ‘Add me back in January. Cute coupley stuff…’ And left the group chat. We immediately added her back because that’s just so ridiculous. But we got the message. Am I the asshole for wanting to share that part of my life with her because he’s my entire world? And obviously we have other things to talk about together, but it feels like I’m walking on eggshells and could ruin our friendship over it.”

Royce: So I did see one thing. You sort of made a sound at the OP’s boyfriend being 32. I scrolled down and very quickly someone called that out and she was like, “Oh my God, huge typo. He’s 23.” They’re two years apart.

Courtney: Oh, okay. I honestly wasn’t going to consider that in my ruling at all, and I’ve seen worse. But this one is tough because I feel like I don’t quite have enough information and I feel like this is a very biased retelling of events. And I’ll point out the specific ones that makes me feel that way. This feels like a dig: “She goes completely silent and moody until we make the conversation about her.” That feels like a distinctly different thing from, “I don’t want to be talking about relationships all the time.” Those are two different scenarios that feel like they’re getting conflated here. So that feels like that’s just a jab coming out of irritation. Also because– If this person is in a group chat and saying, “I’m not enjoying this group chat, I don’t want to see it, I don’t want to participate in it,” and leaves and is like, “Hey, I’ll come back next month when this is over.” And everyone’s like, “No, we’re gonna add you back immediately because you’re being ridiculous.” It’s in– It literally says, “Because that’s just so ridiculous.” So, it feels very emotionally charged, just the way it’s written. So it’s hard for me to give a ruling because I’m like, what else don’t we know? I also kind of want more specifics, like more specific, what are the conversations? How long are they? How frequent are they?

Royce: That’s what I’m trying to get my head around. And we just, again, like you said, don’t have enough information for that. Because if this is just people talking about their lives, and sometimes the topic goes to relationships, and other times it’s about school or family or, you know, whatever else is going on. If we try to give OP a genuine reading, I do think that the, “Hey, I’m gonna leave for a month, add me back in when–” Like, what was it? The holidays were over? [Courtney agrees] Does seem ridiculous to me. For friends, for people who are close. Like, you can’t just mute your notifications? Or like, oh, I don’t need to actively join in on this for a little bit, kind of a thing. Oh, they’re talking about romance, I’m just gonna ignore my phone for a little bit. Like, I’m trying to think of a parallel. There are a lot of people who don’t have kids and don’t want kids that don’t just leave a conversation if other people their age start talking about their kids. [Courtney agrees] So, I mean, there is an aspect of consistency here. If it’s literally every time you’re around your friends and this is all they talk about, I could see that being annoying, because–

Courtney: Yeah.

Royce: Because you want to have time with your friends.

Courtney: The thing is, based on just the amount of information we have, I could see it going either of these two ways. This could be a situation where this single ace friend all of a sudden is the only single person in their entire social circle and everyone else is in this honeymoon phase where that’s all they want to talk about.

Royce: Yeah.

Courtney: Because there are– there are absolutely people who get in a new relationship and that becomes their entire personality. And that can be excruciatingly isolating if you’re the one single person, ace or not. But I don’t know if this person is or could be aromantic. That wasn’t a word that was mentioned here. So even if this is someone who is a romantic ace who maybe feels like it could be very difficult for them to have a relationship, that’s a very normal feeling. I could see it where, like, yeah, you have perhaps unintentionally isolated your one single friend because everyone else is in a couple and you’re talking about that all the time. In which case I can understand those frustrations. It could also be, and I don’t think I have enough information to say, it could be an ace person who maybe does have some of their own issues to work through. Maybe isn’t quite confident in their singlehood. Maybe isn’t confident in their asexuality. They are rather young, still, 21 year olds. So it could be something where, you know, this ace person does have some work to do themselves so that they can be there for their friends and be able to hear different aspects of their life without that being some sort of, you know, emotional trigger, what have you. So I don’t know which way it is. I think it could be either.

Royce: I do think, regardless of what it is, there are other ways to go about it. Like, the friend group could have two different group chats, one with the ace friend and one without, and can segregate those conversations. You could dedicate time to, “Hey, this is going to be friend time, and we’re going to focus on each other and do things that we want to do, and we’re not going to talk about other stuff. Like on this dedicated evening where we spend time together,” or something like that, like carve out space for each other.

Courtney: Oh yeah, there’s absolutely ways to do that. And we also don’t know if there have been any efforts to make space like that yet. But definitely growing pains within this friend group here. And this kind of surprises me, but Reddit deemed this poster to be the asshole. That surprises me. Yeah, and looking in the comments, OP is very defensive, making a lot of responses to people saying that they’re the asshole. A lot of which coming down to like, “I promise it’s not constant. I do have other things I talk about. It’s not 24/7. It’s not all the time.” And I mean, maybe that is the case. In the post, OP said, “My boyfriend is my whole world.”

Royce: Well, here’s one in response to that. OP says, “It’s not like every single thing I say revolves around my relationship, but even if I say, ‘I’m moving in with him in a couple of weeks,’ because that’s a huge fucking deal and I’m so excited about it, I’ve absolutely ruined this girl’s day. Even if that’s the first and last thing I say.” And one of the Redditors that called OP the asshole said, “What part of stop talking about it to your friend are you not getting? She doesn’t give a shit and you sound exhausting.” And [sighs] if your friend doesn’t care about your life to that degree, are you really friends?

Courtney: Yeah, if that is an accurate representation of things– Like, that’s a big life change. Even if it’s not something you yourself would make, even if you yourself are not interested in moving in with a partner, that is a big life change. And would be really weird to not even say to a friend…? Because if you’re moving at all, presumably this friend knows where you live. If you’re actual, like, local, in-person friends. You can’t, well, just move and not tell someone you’re moving. So I’m definitely inclined to go towards Not The Asshole. Maybe sometimes the asshole. I think maybe, probably, realistically, both people are not handling this–

Royce: This is more of a– maybe more of a light Everyone Sucks Here.

Courtney: Possibly.

Royce: There is one thing. I am inclined to also say that OP is not the asshole, but I do kind of agree with this poster who did call OP the asshole, and this is solely about the adding them immediately back into the group chat after they left. And I think what I’m hinging on is how close is this friend group, really? And if this person doesn’t want to be involved with your life as you’re getting older and your life is changing, maybe you just have to let them go.

Courtney: Yeah, it’s also really hard to say without knowing what the real relationship, like what the nature of this friendship and this friend group is, too. Because there could be a situation where maybe OP considers this to be, or wants it to be, a very close relationship where you tell everyone everything and share all parts of your life together. And maybe the other friend over here is like, “We just play board games on the weekend, and that’s what I’m coming here for. And that’s the one thing I want to do.” And, like, in situations like that, where two people have a very different idea of what the nature of your friendship is, you do have to either find a way to, you know, negotiate and make space for one another or decide that it isn’t working out that way. So I do believe probably the ace friend does have some personal work to do. I also believe, probably, OP has not always handled things particularly well.

Royce: Yeah, you always have to look at the poster as if, you know, did you write this in an unbiased fashion or are you leading the story a little bit?

Courtney: Yeah, well, I always try to take the poster at their word because that’s all we have. And I’m not literally trying to judge the exact person despite how I start the episode with, “It’s time for judgment.” I don’t know these people. I don’t know all of their circumstances. So I’m essentially taking what they’re saying as much as I can at face value. But when there are little teeny tiny red flags that feel like a particularly biased dig or particularly emotionally charged, it’s hard not to try to extrapolate that based on my own experiences and things I’ve seen and the people I know. It’s hard to not try to fill in those pieces. So that’s why mostly, overall for this story, I think I don’t quite have enough information. But of the information we have, those– those are all my thoughts.

Royce: Yeah, there is one more thing I will call out. I don’t really have much to say about it, but I feel like if I don’t call it out, someone else will. There’s this one sentence that says, “And she’s sex repulsed, asexual, probably a lesbian.” I don’t know if that is intended to mean homo-romantic asexual or if it’s meant to mean OP doesn’t really understand asexuality and is saying she says she’s asexual but is probably a lesbian.

Courtney: Oh, I didn’t even think about that. I just assumed that the friend has said, “I’m a sex-repulse asexual and I’m probably also an ace lesbian.” Like, I just assumed that was coming from the ace friends. But–

Royce: I think either could happen, but that’s...

Courtney: That would be a different story.

Royce: I kept looking back at this and wondering, is this a sign of, like, interpersonal conflict? Like something that just isn’t lining up between the two of them.

Courtney: See, that would change some things. Because then I would say, yeah, you’re the asshole just for saying that or assuming that. Totally removed from the rest of the scenario you’ve given to us. You’re already bad to this friend. So I don’t know.

Royce: Yeah, another not enough information, but I kept going back to that line and felt like it at least needed to be inspected a little bit.

Courtney: Internet people, am I right? Can’t trust any of them.

Royce: So this next one is titled: “Am I the asshole for reacting wrongly to my friend coming out? I’ve been friends with this girl for a long time, about 10 years now, so we’ve both known each other for ages. We recently grabbed lunch together at a restaurant to catch up, and she clearly had something on her mind, but I figured I’d let her bring it up whenever she was ready. Towards the middle of our visit, she said she had to let me know something, and to keep it between us. I agreed, and she said she was bisexual. I replied something along the lines of: “I figured so.” Conversation continued on what I thought was seemingly normal. We both finished our food and left. The next day I woke up to a message from her saying that she was hurt that I wasn’t more accepting of her, which wasn’t my intention. I messaged back saying that she knows that I don’t care about that and I’m sorry if my reaction came across the wrong way, as I wouldn’t want to hurt her. I am typically very blunt, but I should have been more aware of what she needed at that time. It’s too late to change the past, but I said that I can be that now if she wants. She just left me on read and hasn’t responded to any texts and/or calls. Other friends are starting to get involved and I don’t really know what to do.” An edit says, “Just to add, I am some form of asexual. I assign sexual and romantic relationships no value within my own life and I don’t see the appeal. While, sure, I am happy for friends to find their partners, I’m not going to be as invested as other people may be. My friends know this, including the main girl the post is about. I’ve been open with all my friends past and present about this.”

Courtney: I really wish I knew what OP’s friends thought the right reaction was.

Royce: Yeah. Post doesn’t say.

Courtney: Because part of this feels a little bit like that episode of the Great North where the teenage boy comes out as gay and the entire family...

Royce: Isn’t that like the first episode?

Courtney: Is it really?

Royce: I think it’s early season one. The entire family is like–

Courtney: Very nonchalant about it.

Royce: They’re like, “We know, you’ve come out six times now, and we knew it before the first time. Like, we are accepting of you, but like, do you want to party?”

Courtney: Well then he’s like, “I wanted more! I built this up in my head this was going to be a whole big thing, and you aren’t letting this be a whole big thing.” That’s a very good show. I like that show a lot.

Royce: So the commenters on this post overwhelmingly say no assholes here. Some people are questioning, well, exactly like you said, did the friend have this so built up in their head that saying, like, “Yeah, I know,” just was a letdown or something like that? I don’t read OP as not accepting. I think that’s an incorrect read on this. But there is something down here that I want to read. This commenter said: “A soft you’re the asshole mostly just on word choice.” And there’s this little paragraph here that says, “The most respectful response to someone coming out will always be: thank you for telling me I accept you, or something along those lines. Not: ‘Well, I had deduced this earlier, fruitcake’.”

Courtney: [bursts out laughing] Okay, but actually– [laughs]

Royce: The comment under that is, with that line is, “Well, I had deduced this earlier, fruitcake. This is never not going to be my response from now on.”

Courtney: This is... that is the perfect response to be honest. I mean, everybody here is gonna be talking about what is actually the right way to respond to your friend coming out. That’s the only answer. [laughs]

Royce: There was another comment that I think is probably accurate, saying that the friend who came out in many years time will probably want this to be the reaction to coming out to new people. When it’s not the first time, when it’s the casual acceptance, it’s not a big deal.

Courtney: Yeah, that’s also very that episode of The Great North though, because he explicitly told everyone, “I wanted more, bigger!” And so they did that. They did a bigger reaction, and then at the end– It’s been a long time since I’ve seen this episode. We’re gonna have to go back and rewatch it because it was a great episode. But I feel like in the end he was like, “Actually, the way you were reacting was really good. Thanks, family.”

Royce: Oh, I guess that was a season two episode, which is odd because he’s openly gay for, like, the entire show.

Courtney: See, it is interesting, though, right? Because people do sometimes build up a big coming out in their head. Because honestly, like, culture kind of tells you this is gonna be a big thing. It’s a whole thing, and it’s not for everybody. And it doesn’t have to be for everybody. But sometimes there is an expectation versus reality thing that I just think certain personality types are more likely to be upset about than others. And it’s not a bad thing to feel bad that your expectation wasn’t met, but that also doesn’t mean that it was necessarily a poor response from the other person. And some people might even want that, like, “Yeah, I know.” And you know, honestly some of the best pieces of media of coming out, just writing and dialogue wise, are like that. I mean, we’re talking about this Great North episode, but I’m also thinking like, season one of Glee, what was that? Like 2008-9 maybe? When Kurt comes out as gay to his dad, his dad’s like, “I know. I’ve known since you were five. All you wanted for your birthday was a sensible pair of heels.”

Courtney: And I’m like, that is still so burned into my brain as one of the best pieces of like coming out media that I have seen on the screen. It’s very good. But you can’t really have a one size fits all, this is going to be the best way to respond to someone coming out to you because people come out differently at different points in their life too. It sounds like this was the big one. It sounds like this is the first time or one of the first times I’m saying it out loud to someone, and that should be treated differently from, like, middle-aged queer person who came out in their early adulthood, and now is in like visibly queer relationships or things like that, right? Like you shouldn’t treat them as exactly the same thing. It would have been weird if last night, when we mentioned to this new person that we’re asexual, if they made it this whole big thing.

Courtney: Because it’s just such a mundane aspect of our life that is not a secret to anybody, right? So... And then, you know, not too long ago, one of our best friends is gay, and another one of our friends met him for the first time and was, like, surprised after the fact that he was gay and was like, “I wouldn’t have ever known that about him.” And when we reported that back, he was like, “I feel like a failure. What do you mean she didn’t know? How was it not obvious?” And I was like, “Well, to be fair, I knew immediately when I met you. When– When I met you, it was so abundantly obvious that when I came home and said, ‘hey, I met a new person,’ you were like, ‘oh, is he married?’ And I was like, ‘he was wearing a wedding ring, so I’m pretty sure he has a husband.’ Before we ever even had, like, a proper one-on-one conversation, I knew this.”

Courtney: And when I told him that, when I told him I had deduced this earlier fruitcake, he was like, “Oh, that makes me feel better. Good, I’m not a failure as a gay man.” So some people actually want that like, “Yes, I am very visibly obvious queer. I want people to see this and understand this about me without necessarily having to say it.” That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever read in my life.

Courtney: This next post asks: “Am I the asshole for not going out with my boyfriend like usual? We have a long-distance relationship, so we only see each other once every two weekends. There is a place halfway between our homes that we meet at, eat lunch, and then laze around. He is a nice guy, friendly and respectful. I knew I was asexual before meeting him, and he was okay with never having sex, which was a blessing. And though I find our IRL outings to be a bit boring, I love our online conversations. We are both introverts, and we both prefer to listen than to talk, so we spend most of our time cuddling in silence. Recently, I realized that I was aromantic too. I told him that I wasn’t sure it was a good idea to stay together if I wasn’t that involved in our relationship. He said there are multiple ways to be together, and if I didn’t want to call it boyfriend-girlfriend, he was okay with it. But I am still thinking about it.”

Courtney: [reading] “I’m mostly afraid it will end badly because I don’t feel anything for him. The next weekend, we were supposed to meet, but we wanted to do something different for once, maybe go see a movie. At no point in our conversation I said I was going to be there, but I didn’t say I wouldn’t be either. I just kept answering as usual, but I didn’t hide the fact that I was still unsure. He joked that I was thinking too much about it, which is probably true. I don’t want to hurt him, though. I realized that I could be hurting him by not being clear about what I want, but I don’t know what I want either. Then around noon, I received a message saying he was already there. It had happened before, him going to our meeting place before I said I would be there. I was left rushing to get ready and driving an hour at the last minute. We hadn’t confirmed together beforehand that we were going out at all. But he might have expected to since that’s what we usually do, but this time I didn’t join him. Am I the asshole for not going out as usual, though I never clearly said I was going to be there at all?” Yes?

Royce: Yes, communicate.

Courtney: Communicate.

Royce: If you have an established time that is set up, and it seems OP was aware the whole time that their friend believed that they were going to be meeting up again.

Courtney: Also, “We were supposed to meet, but we wanted to do something different for once. At no point did I say I was gonna be there, but I didn’t say I wouldn’t be either.” You made plans. That’s what you did. You made plans, and then you didn’t show up. “I just kept answering as usual,” while talking about your plans for the weekend. You made plans. Listen, OP clearly is working through something here. And it sounds like they have maybe the best possible person to do this with. It sounds like this guy was not put off by the realization of being aromantic, and it sounds like he’s not even put off by the fact that you are unsure about the future of your relationship and that you do have things to work through. However, the thing that really stuck out to me was these passive justifications for not being sure, “I told him I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to stay together, if I wasn’t that involved in our relationship. I am mostly afraid it will end badly because I don’t feel anything for him.” Is that actually true? Or do you just not actually want to be in this relationship and you don’t know how to break it off? Or you haven’t realized this about yourself yet?

Courtney: Because it sounds like he knows, and he is correct, that there are a lot of ways to be together. And if you’re transparent about that and he’s happy with the way things are, it does not matter that you are not feeling the romantic feelings that other people might, or perhaps he even is. If you’re both happy and transparent about this, that’s not a problem. So preemptively cutting this off as an option for yourself because you’re afraid of what might happen, or if it’s because your relationship doesn’t look the way society might think that it should…? There are some internalized feelings to unpack there, for sure. And no aro and/or ace person should make decisions just because of what our amatonormative society says you should be feeling or what you should be doing or what your relationship should look like. Which, the way that those couple of lines is written, that’s what that sounds like.

Courtney: But then we also get the, like, “I think our IRL outings are a little bit boring.” And, “I made plans and then didn’t show up and am I the asshole for that?” It also does actually sound like maybe you aren’t that interested in this relationship. And I think you’ve got to just figure that out. Because I also don’t think it’s fair to use those as excuses for an easy out if you are just checked out and ready to be done and don’t actually want a relationship like this. That is totally fine and within your right to feel that way, to cut things off, to live your life single if that’s what you’re looking for. But it’s not fair to disguise those feelings under like, “Well, I’m afraid it will end badly, so we–” Because if there’s something you’re feeling that you’re not saying that is stringing this guy along, that is what that would be. I don’t know for sure that that’s what’s going on here, but that’s what that would be in that situation, and that’s not fair to him. Say what you mean.

Courtney: And if it truly is you don’t know and you just need time to figure it out, tell him that. Even if that means not doing your every two weekend meetup. If you’re like, “Hey, let’s not meet up in person until I figured this out.” Communicate that. Communicate that. So, so many Reddit posts are just people communicating poorly. So many of them. That’s what 99% of these posts come down to is someone’s communicating bad. Oh! Oh, I normally don’t do this. Maybe we need to do this more often. I don’t normally click on someone’s post history. But this one I was kind of curious about, so I did. There are only two posts under this user’s account. This AITA for not going out like usual, is the second one. The first one was posted on r/aromantic around the same period of time it looks like, saying: “How do I bring up to my boyfriend that I want to break up?” Shall we? Shall we hop over to a different subreddit?

Royce: Let’s go for it.

Courtney: All right, r/aromantic: “How do I bring up to my boyfriend that I want to break up? Need advice. New account since he knows I spend time on Reddit and my usual username is one I use on most social media, so he knows my name here. I am ace and he, an allocis man, knows it. He said it doesn’t bother him to never have sex and he was okay with me still figuring things out about my feelings with relationships, so we decided to try to have something together. We are in a long-distance relationship. We met through mutual online friends that we had both met IRL before. So when we learned that we lived in the same region, we started going out sometimes. We are very similar. Maybe too similar? We are introverted, naturally quiet. We prefer to listen than to talk for long. Most of the time spent together, I keep thinking of how bored I am and that I want to go home. Thing is: he is really nice. He’s a good guy. And never made me feel pressured to do anything, always asking before doing something new.”

Courtney: [reading] “Since we are similar-minded, I have no trouble understanding his point of view and what he is thinking. I like him, but I recently understood that I was also aro. I don’t love him, and I don’t think I ever will. Still figuring out where I fit under the umbrella. I’m not exceptionally happy at the thought of seeing him. I don’t feel butterflies when holding his hands. Kissing is meh. We see each other around once every two weekends, mostly because I don’t really want to see him more. Yes, I am often busy during the weekends, but sometimes I say so just to not have to go. I’ve never told someone I want to stop. I’ve had only one boyfriend before, back before I even knew I was ace, and he was the one to break up with me then. How do people do that? I don’t want to hurt him. I do not want to stop our online conversations, they are fun. I’d like to still have him, but only as a friend. How do I bring it up to him? How do I tell him?” This user posted this, and then that other story happened. That post was newer than this one.

Royce: Yeah, they were a little over a week apart. Like a week and a half.

Courtney: Oh my gosh. OP! So yeah, the really unfortunate thing here is that at the end of the day, the reason why OP is the asshole has nothing to do with being asexual or aromantic at all whatsoever, period. Those are technically irrelevant to what the issue is here. Now that we have confirmation that they do want to break up and just don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, that’s not how relationships work. You have to communicate. This poor guy. You are actually stringing him along. I was afraid to mention my line about stringing him along earlier, but now, on the AITA, now it feels– with this story in context, now it feels like you’ve padded extra unnecessary information to maybe try to get people to think that this isn’t just a communication issue. It’s almost muddying it by saying, like, “Well, I don’t actually know, because I found out recently that I’m aromantic and so I’m still trying to figure things out.” This is no longer an ‘I’m trying to figure things out’ story. Because it still sounds like if that were the case, you found the best person to figure that out with.

Courtney: He seems very understanding, and the poor guy is being understanding about your wishy-washy, “Well, I think I’m aro and I don’t know what this means for us.” And he’s being a great supportive boyfriend, but in the back of your head you’re like, “I just actually want to break up with him, but can’t do it.” No, don’t. With that extra context, it really kind of sounded like OP was hoping to use aromantic as an excuse or an easy out, almost hoping that by saying, “Oh, I think I’m aromantic actually,” that maybe the other guy would come to the conclusion that they shouldn’t be in a relationship anymore. But then when he was actually great and understanding and supportive, then it was like, “Oh fuck, now what do I do?” You can’t use aromanticism as a “Hint-hint, I can’t break up with you so I want you to break up with me.” That’s a mind game no one should ever play, whether you’re using sexuality or romantic orientation or anything. You can’t just try to make the other person break up for you to make it easier.

Royce: I mean, that also seems like why OP went through the motions of talking as if they were most likely going to go to their usual meetup and then just didn’t.

Courtney: Mm. Yeah, I’m sorry OP, you’re in fact the asshole. And I think that is where we’re going to leave off for the day. I don’t think we’re gonna top that one in this episode. So since that will do it for today’s edition of r/AmItheAsshole, that means that it is time for this week’s featured MarketplACE vendor: Kikirini, where you can find original comics and artwork by a disabled demisexual artist. This comic artist specializes in black and white manga style, and her current project is Kuro Shouri, a webcomic styled after 90s manga, made with love. And of course you can read this comic online. Links as always are going to be in the show notes on our website and the description box on YouTube. But if you can, I highly recommend you pop over to this artist shop and actually purchase a physical copy.

Courtney: I ordered Volume 1. It is– I read it. I enjoy it. It’s on our bookshelf. It is– We have one bookshelf at this point, which is evergrowing, which is basically just all ace and/or aro authors. And so many of these talented creators are on our MarketplACE shop, and we are just so grateful for this abundance of talent. So I, actually, now that I’m looking at it, I see that Volume 2 is also out in physical copy, so that may need to be my next purchase. Oh, there’s even a sale going on right now. So if you’re listening to this shortly after it comes out, definitely hit them up this sale. 50% off all of these books until October. Very cool. Definitely take advantage of that. And that’s all for today. So, as always, thank you all so much for being here, and we will talk to you all next time.